Almost New Year

Still rainy and drizzly and dark oh my. I am my parents after all, I open with the weather. I don't, yet, put the weather channel on. My day will come though I'm sure. The talk today is all about the year soon to be gone. Events and such of 2005. Wherever you go to read on the net or watch on the news is a recap of the year or the year in review or ... well you get the picture. I could give my own review but I need my appointment book to do so.

I will go get it and come back.

Happy Christmas

Rain and more rain. This is a deluge. I don't mind though as long as the lights stay on. I have taken most of this week off to indulge in the fantasy that I can afford not to work. I can't. Oh well. We had a wonderful Christmas sort of. The night before the night before Christmas Eve, the Husband fell in a dip in the road while walking the dog. I was with him so I know he is not acting. The foot he hurt is the foot without the bone spur so he is totally gimpy. He is also unable to do all sorts of things that I hoped he would do since I had so much to do. Well, long story short, it all got done with much heavy sighing from him as he claimed to be sorry that he couldn't help me. Ya da ya da and so on.

We crammed way too many family members into our teensy quarters on Christmas Eve and had enough food for an army but at the end of the eve we had not enough left over to save or send home with anybody. Whew! that crowd can put it away. Even the 2 year old sat up at the table, fork and spoon in hand and ate everything in front of her and then some. I love it when people love the food you prepare.

Presents were torn open, mostly by the two year old and that was followed with guessing games of who the gift was for and from. We had a great time. Christmas Day was quiet with the feet up and iced or heated depending on which way was appropriate. We were going to go on visitations for the day but the feet prevailed and we stayed put. It was a great day.

Hope y'all are enjoying the aftermath and resting up for the big bang to come. We are.

Christmas Memories

Just read Lileks' Christmas disaster entry for his blog. He said he didn't remember a single toy he got but he remembers his Dad coming through the door with Russel Stover that he had just bought.....

Before I forget to write this down I have to say that reminds me of every Christmas morning when gifts were opened.. Mother always got Evening In Paris perfume that Dad picked up at the all night drugstore in the city. He brought it home late on Christmas Eve and Mother would have a fit every Christmas morning. I don't think she ever wore any. The only time it was used was when I, as a youngster, played domestic goddess and mixed it in with the orange juice. Yup, the fam never forgot that little thing and I was never allowed in the kitchen until I was way over 18. The other thing I savor is making stuffed dates with Dad. That was always done for Thanksgiving and Christmas.. Mix butter with confectioner's sugar and vanilla until it is the right consistency and open a date, scoop in the mix and roll the whole thing in sugar. Talk about cholesterol. No wonder we all had by-passes at an early age. Ye gads. But I have to say those dates were such a tasty treat.

Tough it out

Today is the office luncheon and rather than take the day off because I have gazillions of things to do for Christmas, I must appear at work. I will leave early but nevertheless I will be there and on my mind will be all of the things hanging in air that need to be brought to earth by Christmas Eve. We are having 14 for dinner in a house that is comfortable with 4. I eagerly look forward to card tables and TV trays and once seated always seated if you're at the big table. We do this every year and maybe its the weight gain factor and the children growing that gives us less and less room annually. Like every year, the tree is not up yet and this year there are no wreaths or lights outside. I guess the family losses have caught up with me. Presents are in the trunk of my car where they have been for three weeks or maybe two. I have left them there because to bring them into the house would add clutter to an already cluttered area. I guess I must be depressed and have no physical feelings of being so but it sure is taking its toll on my surroundings.

I must be about my day and do what I have to do. Soldier on and suck it up, get over it and move along. All of those things are being shouted in my head by my inner drill sergeant. I have learned over the years to yell back but in this case, at this time, I must obey.

Later

At One

Started the day with a reading from Leviticus....it concerned blood sacrifice and how remarkable the detail was that God provided the priests who performed the actions. But here's what struck me, the minister stated that this act was necessary for atonement and then he broke that word down into three syllables....at one ment. How simple the concept. It really makes sense. Getting right with God is at one ment. The sacrifice on the cross took care of all of us. We just have to claim it and then we are at one. Here we are at the beginning of the process, the birth in the manger, the child is born without sin, perfect in every way. He is here and will do the work for us. We celebrate His arrival and I am so in awe of the work He has done for me.

Ten Degrees

That's the temperature not the degrees of separation thing that hit Broadway. Yowzer it is COLD. But in the scheme of things it could be worse. My mother would always cringe when I tried to smooth over the bad event of the moment by saying that . "Don't worry", she'd say, "They'll get there." Yup, I come from a long line of optimists. We always were told that we weren't Irish on my mother's side. How all the other family members on that side were and we weren't never puzzled me. After all, they were all Catholic and we weren't so if that is possible, why not the Irish thing. My father's family was Scottish in every direction you looked so in my mother's view, so were we. That Irish surname and brogue of the older aunts could just as easily have been Scottish. As I get older and fall into what my aunt (on my mother's side) would call the blues, I realize that it's a gift from my Irish genes. The Irish do have that melancholy unlike any other group. It's deep and mystical as well as musical. They, or I should say I, weep without warning and go inside to uncover old hurts and pain. We sigh a lot and isolate to curl up, listen to maudlin music to blend with our thoughts. Then, it seems, equally without warning, we find something so startlingly funny about the worst thing imaginable that we laugh as inappropriately as we cry and back to level, life goes on.

So I go ----

Oh My Aching Back

On Monday I was doing some housewifely duties , namely laundry. I had a plastic laundry basket filled with dirty hings and as I started down the stairs my right foot slid off the step, my left foot stayed put, I dropped the basket grabbed the handrail and nearly split myself in two. Never knew I was that flexible and by the way I feel today, I'm not. My neck, my back, my left knee and that's only for starters. Oi!! Rubbed on some foul smelling deep muscle heat thing and took enough Motrin to drop a lesser woman and still, Oi. A friend called to tell me about her sister who had knee surgery and when she asked her sister why she didn't take Aleve, her sister said "A leave? Hell, I can't even get a half day off." Now I ask you. Is that girl too deep into the I am the corporate woman or what?

Well I'm still doing laundry despite the pain. Walk it off they say. Women's work is never done..........

Checking in and Checking out

OK ! Wow - that looks like I was yelling doesn't it? I never got any of this computer chat stuff like LOL. That took me a couple of years and questioning a friend who finally gave up the code. Well now that I am officially blogging here....I check into the sitemeter to find that I think I'm about the only one who checks into this blog and now........even I'm not being counted since I have checked several times this week and the sitemeter is only registering a visit from December 7th. Now that could mean one of several things. The sitemeter counter is fed up with counting my visits and is only counting other than me which would be none. The sitemeter counter is so overwhelmed with the number of visitors to this blog that it has whirled itself off the map and can't count any more....The sitemeter counter is broken for me and my blog. What to do, what to do? I guess that I will make the logical assumption that there have been so many visitors to this blog that the sitemeter can't count up that high and has reset to zero every time I check to see if anyone has looked at this blog. Bear in mind that I only want total strangers to enter in and read................

What's wrong with me????? Somebody has to tell me....


LOL or SLT

Older and Older still

I was going to say older and wiser but that remains to be seen. I read a journal last night that I started in 1982. What a whiner I was and still am. Back then I smoked and drank and was overweight. My brother had been thrown out of his house and was living with me. My husband and I were living together out of wedlock. Don't you love that phrase? Well we were. We were in the midst of an alcohol related auto accident for which I was being sued. The car was registered to me and driven by my future husband and we had been at a wedding. Oh I could go on and on about the injustice of the event and blah blah but, the driver, my future and current husband had been drinking (albeit very conservatively -- enough however to bring alcohol into the equation). Oh how I squirm with that issue. Anyhow, the lawsuit was pending and the amount of money I was being sued for was laughably huge. What a chaotic wreck our lives were.

No here we are some 23 years later and the chaos has somewhat settled. I guess that outsiders would look at this life and shake their heads that I would consider it peaceful. Perhaps. I still have lawsuits swirling, although of a much different kind. I have no siblings left or parents. I don't smoke any more. I drink less and am still overweight but not as concerned by being so. And -- I am married, no longer living "in sin".

I had what I call John Kerry moment yesterday. You know the kind. You are in over your head and get caught. You grab the shovel and start to dig out but the hole gets deeper and deeper and you know you should just shut up and throw yourself at the mercy of your questioners but you don't. Maybe that's why people voted for the man......they saw themselves in his gigantic puffed up fantasy life and felt sorry for him. Anyhow -- I think that the difference between John and me is that I go over and over the encounter countless times and realize how stupid it is to pretend to be expert on issues about which you have only a tad of learning and that is second hand or maybe third hand. I wake up at 4AM and ponder the foolishness of my self. I guess I bought into my mother's propaganda concerning her children. You know that propaganda, the "My child is an honor student at blah blah school and in the top echelon of the whaddayacallit blah e blahs." Yeah, that stuff. Well I'm not and was never but believed I was because she told the world I was and so I believed.

Well -- maybe wisdom is knowing what you don't know and aren't capable of and shutting up when you are faced with it.

Sigh!!

Over My Shoulder

I have been lax in posting because everytime I sat to type my husband would appear behind me and I got that "Oh no he's reading my dear diary entries and I'm 11 years old again" feeling. So I gave up for a few days and I find that it's kind of like exercise, once you stop for a few days it takes a village to get you back and moving. Now it's late, I had dinner with a dear friend who bought because it's my birthday tomorrow. Happy Birthday to Me......

I'm stopping now and will recharge so in the am I will have some more coherent and useful (to me at least) thoughts to write down.

Later

Yikes

Three times in one day is a whizzer of a posting record. I'm fast approaching my first anniversary of my first real post.....My birthday!

Get ready to sing. My mother had a voice like Lucy. Remember the old I Love Lucy shows when Lucy wanted to perform with Ricky? Well when she sang she sounded like my mother and that would make Mother happy....Lucy sounded like her not the other way around. Anywho -- on your birthday you could always count on Ma and sometimes Dad too calling first thing in the morning and singing the Happy Birthday song. It was painful but I miss it so much and that's painful too. When she died, I called the sibs on their birthdays and tried very hard to sound like Ma. There's another thing I won't have to do this year coming.

Well, I have a dear friend who is keeping the tradition going. She calls and "sings" and we love her for it. Thank God for mother's memories and good friends....I am really going to pound this gratitude thing until it screams.

Later

Not Lost

Driving to work and listening to the radio. I love Dr. McGee of Through the Bible. He said, if you can believe it "You are not lost. You are only lost if you reject Jesus Christ as your saviour." Did he read my blog this morning?

I'm telling you. That radio has a direct connection. Now to get on with the day. Thank you Lord.

Lost

I never watch this show by the name Lost but I feel as if I could be starring in it. I have lost both parents and all siblings in little over 5 years. My last brother died in September and with all the commotion that surrounds funeral arrangements and mothering the niece and comforting his significant other and making everyone feel as if they were the most important people in his life I got lost. Now I am suffering the serious pain of the lost. Oh sure, I have my husband who loves me and whom I love, I have very close friends of a lifetime, I am rich in in-laws and nieces and nephews but somehow..................................I am alone.

Where did they go? Why am I here? Why is that feeling of abandonment which I have felt for years and years and years , why is that the first thing I feel. I know we are not alone. I know God loves me and has since before conception. I know that He is always with me but seriously, I feel alone.

I heard on my morning radio sermon that the more anxious we are, the further we are from turning things over to the Lord. That makes sense. Anxiety is a result, in my opinion, of loss of control. Self absorption deludes us into feeling that we have or should have control of everything and everybody. The longer we live, the more we realize (or should realize) how little control we really have. But we should also be turning to the Lord who does control everything and everybody if granted permission because there is that free will thing. Anyhow, if we turn things over to God, as the minister this morning said, "Cast your burdens on the Lord", we will be unloading our anxiety as well.

Some of this pain I feel is high level anxiety. I guess I feel out of control and of course I should because who could control the illnesses and surgeries and losses that have occurred? Well I tried for sure. I dragged each from doctor's to tests and hospitals and physical therapies. If I couldn't drag then I nagged and pleaded and wheedled to do so. I enlisted the aid of friends and family to nag and wheedle and push the ailing family member too. Now I am without recourse. I must face that we are not able to control our circumstances completely. We can only do what we can do and must turn all else over to the Lord and breathe deeply in the belief that all will be well and it will be.

Happy Macy's Day

This year the turkey will be served at a restaurant. I never like to do that and so we have only done so twice in all the years of turkey days we have shared. Years ago I always had dinner at our house with mostly friends who were at loose ends and then my husband's family started to fill in the seats. One memorable year when our neice was just a week old, her parents brought her to dinner along with my husband's mother and grandmother. I have a wonderful picture of that afternoon with all those generations sitting close and holding our darling neice.

Another time, when my sister-in-law arrived with her two girls late in the day, I recall the oldest neice saying to her mother, "I told you we should have come here, Aunt G has plates at the table and candles and everything." They had gone to another relative's house where a buffet was served. The children had no seats and Missy was miffed. Why I hold on to that memory is beyond me.

When family and work and who knows what were overwhelming one year we stayed at an Inn in New Hampshire for the holiday. It snowed just enough to cover the ground and make a stop your breath kind of picture. Our cabin was so lovely with a big brass bed, cable tv and a fireplace. What more could you ask for? The Inn served Thanksgiving dinner as part of the package and it was honestly fabulous. All the other guests were as friendly as could be and it was like having dinner with extended friends and family. Of course, the people around us were like that branch of the family that you never ever saw. Oh well, we enjoyed it.

Another time, my married neice was feeling left out since her mother and stepfather had gone south for the cold months and her father and stepmother never included her . She had no family other than her husband's and she didn't like that feeling. Her husband is in a wheel chair and my house is not and was not accessible so my very kind hearted husband said we would find a restaurant and take them to dinner. We went to a local hotel which had a buffet that would have put a cruise ship to shame. It was truly the best ever. Since then the restaurant in that hotel went out of business and that is that.

Well now, this year we are just two and will be at a local restaurant. We will cook a turkey on Saturday and have a small group to feed. I hope next year we have the turkey on the official turkey day....it just seems better that way.

We will watch the parade because we always do and if Katy Couric's too cute face appears, I will quickly change the station. Yuck and yuck again......she is too much like those high school cheer leaders who reminded me of female Eddie Haskells......

Oh well, I'll report in later...

Financial Slaves

Quite a to-do on C-Span last night with the Vietnam war wanna quits dueling with those that don't. I read one thing about a Rep quoting one of her constituents, a marine something or other who said that cowards cut and run Marines stay and fight. She was booed and now it seems that the Dems are saying the vote was a personal attack on Murther who proposed a hasty withdrawal of troops. How is that? Kerry had to somehow make the whole thing about him by saying he wouldn't let this be a swift boat attack on Murther.....yegads doesn't that ego centric ever stop. All I know is that I lived through the Vietnam era watching good friends die and this country go all mushy....I don't care what Hollywood says...it seems most of the drugs were being used by the peaceniks who didn't think beyond the allure of fighting the authority figures they had run away from when they left home. Give Peace a chance they crooned while the rest of us worked and paid their welfare incomes.....

Argh - as Howard Dean would say...............slavery does exist in this country but not the way the Jesse Jackson fools would have you believe.....the middle class hard working taxpayer who follows the rules is the slave....we are financial slaves pouring our tax money instead of cotton into the big bags of the upper class (read politicians) who throw crumbs of it to the masses on welfare. The crumbs are what's left after they've taken what they want to continue their high living lifestyles. How's that grab ya?

Lies and then some

A thought I had in the wee hours of the morning. I was half listening to a Christian radio station, as I do, and there was a discussion about lying and how there really are a lot of ways we can lie. I'm guilty of any number of ways and although I can certainly distinguish between the obvious LIES I think it's really hard to be a social being and always tell the truth especially when there's that annoying lie of ommission. I mean, if you're even lying when you're keeping quiet where does that leave us?

So, I though if the Lord God Creator of the Universe doesn't distinguish between gradations of lies, you know the white ones and kind ones and so on, I guess it would behoove us to rein this puppy in and get a handle on it. How to do it..... I think it should be like dieting (at which I always fail by the by) Identify a flaw and deal with IT not everything at once.. Recognize the most constant offense and work on it. That made my mind skitter along through any number of paths and I landed on blogging as a means of controlling lies..Yeah well.

I thought if someone were truly blogging a journal type thing it would really shake out some of the lying habits that the blogger had fallen into. Think about it .. here you are on a daily blurby little blog --yeah-- one such as this. Months go by and you sit down and start to type about one of those when I was a kid sort of things and you realize that it's kind of related to something you wrote ages ago and if you lied about it well, hell, you have to go back read what you lied and continue the lie forever. So blogging makes you live the adage...if you don't lie you never have to remember who you told what to.

Of course in this day and age politicians seem to think that they are exempt from that adage as well as others...they seem to think they can say anything at any time with no connection to anything they ever said before and as far as connections to the facts?? fugeddaboudit (is that the Soprano way?0

Toodles -- way too early in the morning --sorry about the rambles but that's the real me --- Honest

A Long Day

Life has its ways and that's for sure. The past week has beaten me senseless, of course that sometimes takes only two beats or so, but this week - endless pounding. Phone calls and paper work and business insurance things and oh my goodness help me I'm drowning in never ending minutiae (is that how that is spelled?). I wish this were the end of the week but alas -- one more day.

that's all I have to say and I mean it -- at least for today......

I'm so glad I'm home and warm and safe and I thank God for all of that.........

Smoking and Not

I quit smoking many years ago. I loved it. I smoked my first cigarette the summer after I graduated from high school, yes, I was a late bloomer. I felt so mature as soon as I held that cigarette between my fingers. I was immediately a grown woman. Of course I couldn't go down alone so I encouraged all my girlfriends to join me and they did. There were about six of us and we sat in the parking lot of the A&W (which by the way had car service at the time) puffing away. It was midweek and we knew our fathers were in the city working and our mothers had no cars...my mother didn't have her license at that time so we knew no one of consequence would spot us.

I went away to college and smoked as if I had never not done so. My mother told me she knew I smoked in her unique way..she never said a word, she gave me a cigarette case and lighter for Christmas. Nuff said. It was red (at the time and from time to time my favorite color) the lighter was silver - in color only - and I loved them. Talk about Hollywood happy. I felt like Katherine Hepburn (well shorter and plumper but every bit as elegant) as I opened that case, removed a Tareyton and lit up with my gleaming lighter. Even better was the ashtray set for my bedroom. Odd to have it in my bedreoom since I was never to smoke there and don't recall doing so but the ashtray set had a glass container for cigarettes that I had only seen in movies at that time. Lift the cover and offer a cigarette to a guest...you talk about sophisticated.

Well time moves on and common sense prevails and by the time you know you really can't smoke any more, the habit has taken such a hold on you that the struggle is one of the largest you have ever faced in your life. I won but still recall those elegant moments, those Hollywood sophisticated moves of removing the cigarette from the case or the holder on the coffee table, the feel of the cigarette between my fingers and the leaning back and exhaling the first puff........

You know that poem that says when I'm whatever age I shall wear purple? The hell with purple....I'm buying a carton of cigarettes, a red leather holder for the pack and a silver lighter. That's my plan......how old should I be do you think? I'll deal with that later..

Have a good day

Typing

Well, the pressure is really on since I stated that I am at the computer every morning. I should type something. I am typing. I guess a rundown of my day or the day before would be a good start. My neice called. Her father is my brother who just recently passed away. She has two children who are very swell. Since I have no children I hosey that my neice is mine and her children are my grandcildren. OK? Done! Honestly, that has been going on forever. My brother's wife, her mother passed away when she was six. Although I wanted to grab her and her brother and take her home, my brother would have perished much sooner than he did without his kids. It's a long and human mess to relate concerning that whole thing and maybe someday.............But for now..........

See I start to relate and then go off on another road...I have to get my wits about me.

This morning I heard my radio minister talk about discernment. He said that not only does it mean that you should seek the truth of what you hear but you should also filter through your behaviors and behave according to your beliefs. Well put. The old walk the walk thing. Don't impose your stuff on others but live in such a way that people would want the same. He also said that no one ministry has the whole truth. Search means search and only the arrogant are unwilling to listen to others. I remember being arrogant in a training class. The trainer was sharing teaching techniques and, having a college degree in education, I was very edgy about someone with lesser credentials trying to tell ME what the correct teaching techniqes were. What a pain in the ass I was. I wonder if I still am.....I think I had better work on that...

God Bless .. it's that beautiful day in the neighborhood thing again........

Wheew finally posted

I have been searching and searching, no not searching and pondering but that might come next. I have been trying to post that last posting for quite some time. I hit the wrong button and thought I had deleted everything. I found out that I could find that old post and I did. I then saved it as draft and couldn't retrieve it for ever so long. I have searched the help section and I have found what I needed......Success! That felt so good. It was almost as satisfying as the first time I ever tied my shoes. All those years ago and I can still recall how good it felt.

Now I really have to get to work doing some real work but let me tell you, that which I have just done sure felt like real work.

Always in the Morning

I think I might have said this once. I love the early morning. The house is MINE. Well almost and I think I also already said that I really don't want it to be. I like the sleeping going on upstairs while I putter about and I like the fact that it won't be long before I'm not alone. The husband and dog-child will be up and about and clamoring for something or other that only I can do. Thank God. But until then, the house is MINE and I love it.

I have always had a day dream that I would be a famous something or other. As a young girl I would lip synch to the show tunes and songs of the times. I would practice the broad moves a starlet would need to sell the song. Well then, when the lip synch became the singing, that dream moved aside.

In college I dipped into Psychology and lost my heart. What a treat! Finally, a means to determine why someone does what they do and why they will do the next thing. I spent the next 3 years analyzing and observing and poring over every written treatise that was available and I planned to become the next brilliant woman to conquer the world of the human psyche. Yes! Move off the stage Freud......and take your cigar with you. Once I looked into the years of study and work and tuition involved I found it necessary to work first, save money, apply to grad school etc etc and so to begin I would teach. That, after all, was what I had truly trained for. One year later, having realized how responsible a teacher was for the lives of their charges, I caved in and determined to earn money elsewhere. I couldn't leave that classroom at the end of the day and live my own life. Off to the offices of the world where I would put in the time and walk away to freedom.

Money, Money everywhere and I spent every bit of it. Never could get it in a pile to take care of tuition. That psychiatric business meant that I would be responsible for the lives and welfare of my patients or do we call them clients now? That kind of pressure, recalling the angst of being in charge of all those little ones when I was teaching, the fact that I couldn't save a dime because I was having just too darned much fun. Dream 2 done in.

I could always write. I read a People magazine article about a truck driver who, in his spare time, put a best seller together and why not me? Dream 3 on board. I saw myself at the computer every quiet morning, I would be plugging away at yet one more chapter. I would pour out my life experience and Voila, People magazine, make room on your cover for me.

Well, always in the morning I try to write something. Here I am. My dream is still alive but over the years it has morphed into -- I will write a journal type thing and relish the feeling of putting thoughts into words and seeing them on a screen. Each morning, or maybe not each, but in the morning I would sit at the computer and type away --actually I mostly read others' typings but when I do type away it's almost always in the morning, unless it's in the afternoon. And I guess as I look at it, Dream 3 has yawned and drifted away. I'm sure another dream will take shape. I wonder what it will be...........

Have a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

WINTER

So after the furnace was turned on and off and on again, we had an unexpected guest for dinner and he stayed the night. I got up early to put the coffee on and clean up the glasses etc from the night before. I sat down with a cup of coffee and the laptop, now wireless thanks to my wonderful husband, and I was distracted by the sound of water running. I thought I had left the water on in the kitchen sink, no, the bathroom sink, no, the toilet was running up or down stairs, no. And still the sound of water running. I finally went to the cellar and sure enough the pipes were chugging and wheezing and something to do with the furnace was making the running water sound in the pipes. This I know since it stopped shortly after I shut the furnace off. Oh Boy! If my husband was having the vapors over the furnace running, wait till he hears that it isn't. Pray for a miraculous recovery of the heating system.

This is IT

I have tried three times today to post something and each time I have thought too much..so...this is it regardless of what it says. Of course now I'm thinking again and I might care what it says.

This is a beautiful day in the neighborhood. The sun is out and it's cold. Less than 40 degrees and hallelujah hannah, Hubby turned on the heat. Until now I thought my circulation in my feet had shut down. This is the first time in weeks that I can feel my toes. Heaven. Of course, Hubby is down for the count with a cold cloth on his head as he sees dollars being burned in our furnace. It's only money I shout as I wiggle my thawed out toes. And furthermore I tell him, look at how happy I am with the thermostat on 60, since it's been colder than that forever, 60 feels like 80 to me. Didn't help. He just moaned and went back to a reclining position. Well at least he's warm while he's miserable.

The weather is going to warm up a bit so the furnace will be shut back down again soon. I'm going to find my heavier socks so I'll be ready and I think that I'll go for a walk and see if it will feel any different now that I can feel my feet. I get my best ideas when I walk, my head gets cleared up and my pondering really kicks in. I'll maybe post two things today. A banner day.

Later........................

Anniversary Dates

Dad died 6 years ago yesterday. I always think I'll be ok with these milestones and I am until......oh hell, there's always something. I can't really recall but as I was driving home after work something got to me and I was driving and crying and driving and crying and then sobbing and weeping and blowing my nose etc etc etc. Whew.. glad that's over for a while. But then this morning I'm listening to one of the radio shows from God and the message was from a missionary who had been in the Sudan. He spoke of the crying children and how the cries are different there. They are fear based...true gut wrenching fear. Those kids fear things we can't even imagine. All the missionary wanted to do was to hold each child and assure them that for the moment they would be safe...imagine? The children's feelings of safety were measured in moments. Well, there I went again....sobbing and crying and omiheavenssakes what is wrong with this world. I stopped short of signing up to travel to Sudan and bringing children home....I wish we could transport them all to a safe haven or turn where they are into one.

What a world we live in....I am so grateful that this is not our permanent home and also that in the midst of all of this nonsense I can be in awe of the color of the sky or the shape of a cloud or the perfection of leaf.....the other message I heard as I drove back to work this am was that those moments show us the fingerprints of God.

Thank you Father.

Just Missing Everyone

I was walking the dog this morning and as I approached our beach a car pulled up and the woman driving was a long time family friend. Her husband died about 2 years ago. We loved him. He was funny and irreverant and loved the beach and the ocean and the salt air. He rode his bike around our little neighborhood and stopped to talk to everyone. He would wind up at the landing where he held court for most of the sunny days and always had some neighborhood news, no not gossip, news. There is a difference you know, and it is huge. News is factual. There are no off side opinions or color pieces added. News is news. Harry has the flu. Martha broke her wrist. The guy from Arizona has painted his kitchen. There is no added opinion or colorful sidebar about the rotten daughter who never wanted to help when her parents were ill or what the color of the kitchen meant as far as the sexuality of the guy from Arizona is concerned. News is news, facts, uncolored by innuendo or opinion or side comments. Yes, her husband was what our reporters should be....reporters of news not influencers of opinion

I just miss him like crazy and I miss the news as it used to be -- or was it ever?

flu shots and blood tests and exams, oh my!

This is the time of year that the cycle of medical appointments begin. I am a procrastinator of the first order so when I tell you that I took care of the flu shot and the blood work in one fell swoop, I mean to say that I have rung the bell, grabbed the brass ring --- fill in what you will, you know what I'm saying here.

Now all I have to do is keep each and every appointment that is spread out between now and the end of the year. That will be a lifetime achievement award in the making. I always find reasons upon reasons to reschedule and what should be over in December stretches into March, April, sometimes even June.

I thought that I had learned the error of my ways when I was a young'en. I had cut a coupon out of a magazine that promised me a quick and easy way to earn money. I only had to sell seeds, yes, seeds, vegetable and flower type seeds. I sent the coupon in and shortly thereafter I received a box of seed packages along with a request for payment. Well, trust me, a 10 year old back then could no more come up with the $10.00 required than you could come up with a million dollars today. I figured that I could sell all the seeds in no time and get the $10 keep the rest and voila....pocket money galore.

Oddly enough - nobody wanted to buy my seeds. Letters kept coming demanding payment and I got good and scared whenever the mailman arrived.....I look back and wonder at my mother's reluctance to persue why I was suddenly the recipient of such a volume of mail.....I mean, from none (except at birthday time and then only one from my Grandmother) to at least one a week. These were official scary type legal threat letters.....they were stashed in my room - I guess along with my diary. Finally, the damn burst and I threw myself on the mercy of mom. Somehow she and my father were able to douse the flames of legal hell I was dancing in. I sent the seeds back and that was that....except that every other day or so my mother would check in to see if I had any other hidden anythings. Wouldn't you think that I would have learned from that experience not to sit on a problem? Yeah. Me too.

who? what? where? when? HOW?????

No, seriously, how do you bloggers do it? I have a lot of free time but honestly, I can't manage to be at the computer often enough to put a lot together and come up with anything worthwhile. No one sees this and really, I guess that is what anonymous is about. What's it all about Gemma? Funny but this check out the number of people who look at you is a wierd thing........makes you want to write something worth reading. I guess that's the draw for those in the real media.... write something, anything and someone somewhere will read you. That's what they do too. Write whatever and someone will remember you and whooooo you are something girlfriend.

A Night at Home

My friend of many many years came by tonight. She has just bought her first home. When she arrived, I had chicken in the oven. Did you make this yourself, she asked. Yes I said and then she said when did you have the time. I felt like my mother when I explained how to do the exotic shake and bake thing and when I told her how long it took she was amazed. I, of course, felt like such a domestic goddess. No one who knows me would believe that anyone would ever ask me for cooking advice. Go figure. Everyone is an expert when talking to someone who doesn't have a clue.

Snow and Sun and ya da ya da

Slow weekend, first snowflakes, actually a ton of them. Thank God the ground was warmer than the snow and no accumulation occurred. Holy Hannah! October and snow. Yikes. Hubby's birthday dinner was Saturday night. We went to an extravagant but well worth it restaurant with a couple who love the food as much as we. Not only is the food beyond excellent but the service and the ambiance take the place over the top. I guess that saving such an experience for only the special times makes it that much more special. Forget the fact that if we did that sort of thing more often we would be filing for bankruptcy.

Now, today, sunshine and 60 degrees. Yes. I live in the state of schizophrenia, well at least as far as the weather is concerned.

I have to go now and dust, vacuum, fold clothes ya da ya da ya da......Later.

Draft mode

A thought while strolling the neighborhood this am---before I left I was listening to the radio and so in my head, during the stroll, were the recent headline issues. Number one was a to-do over bullying in a middle school, number two was a hissy fit over two little white girls who sing about wanting to stay white and number three was some nonsense about Louis Farrakhan (sp) who wants to stay black.

I thought that maybe it's time that we start to stress commonalities instead of diversities. Emphasize the fact that we are all human to begin with and the only truly major distinction is gender. Yes, no matter how you fight it, there are men and there are women.

I had an epiphany regarding Moses and the Law. The Law was to set apart the children of Israel and also to teach them that they couldn't be saved by the Law. No matter how stringently they worked at following every single do or don't, they failed. Men decided that they knew better than God, what else is new, and added to the perfection of the Law. Organized religions, cultures, societies, families, all have their own rules of behaviour and each of these man made rules tend to set apart the groups who share them. Language puts the frosting on the cake and truly separates one group from another. When groups are separate, they tend to feel either inferior or superior. Rarely does it happen that a feeling of equality permeates these diverse groups.

In recent years various groups have been encouraged to firm up their unique mores and to keep their cultural bonds as well as language. The USA rather than the "melting pot" it claimed to be is now housing many different cultures and languages within its borders and is attempting to honor each and allow each to be loyal to itself rather than the common culture and laws of the country it lives in. Since each group tends to feel either inferior or superior to any other we have to deal with the respect or disrespect issues. The PC nonsense of our age applies to each of these many groups but not to the country they dwell in or the structure of government which has provided all of the opportunities these groups are enjoying.

I am struggling with this. I am. I don't understand how we can make progress if all of parts don't mesh and worse than that, don't want to.

Sweet Sunday

Best day of the week, Sunday. It's gloomy and misty damp with a bit of a breeze. Whitecaps on the ocean and a slate gray sky make you glad you have your wool socks on. A neighbor walked by carrying her Yorkie. "She's freezing and wants to go home. Everytime I put her down she shivers, shakes and sits down refusing to move. " We laughed and I said I was glad my boy kept moving...of course he weighs in at over 100 pounds so if he refused to move I would have to get a two wheeler to move him.

Anyhow its a sweet day since, at the moment, all is well. Sunday is always the day we cut the strings and relax into God's care. We rejoice and if possible worship in an organized way at church. If we don't get to church we worship in a less organized way. Either way we send our thanks and love and appreciation to the God of the Universe who created all and yet still has our name in His heart. I am always staggered that we specks of dust are known by our Creator as intimately as we are.

Journals and more

This posting thing is getting to be a habit. Reading all the blogs and websites that I do became a habit several years ago and now ... this. Well, as a kid, I always kept a diary where all of my inner thoughts were stored...I fussed more about where that diary should be kept than I ever fussed about anything. I wore the book out by moving it from hiding place to hiding place. I mean, what if my mother or brothers found it and read it out loud at the dinner table ? I would drop down dead in my seat of embarrassment if they discovered that I LOVED Billy Smith. My mother would never recover if she found out that I thought Donna Mitchell's family was picture perfect and never wrote a word about her that suggested she was the measuring stick for perfect.

There, see? one more suggestion in the Ladies' magazines that is not correct. Keep a journal they say. It allows you to get all the day's events out and by so doing you are relieved of pressure. Riiiiggghht! Now find a way that no one will ever get that journal and find out who you really are...Yikes. Especially my family who loved to turn over rocks and find a weak spot and poke and prod and sneer and ...well maybe they weren't quite that bad but you understand that when one is 11 and chubby and rather reserved, the last thing that kid needs is a circle of pointers and laughers. Thus, the worry all day at school wondering if my mother would discover my new hiding place and the panic when, upon returning from school, I couldn't find the damned thing. It was never because someone had moved it. It was because I couldn't remember where the hiding place of the day was.

Point being -- this is my new journal hiding in plain sight. I have to share where and who and I won't. Safe at last.....maybe...

Winter's Coming !!

Cold last night. Thirty-nine degrees. Yow! That's cold, especially when one of the household members (not me) feels that the heat should not go on until after the Thanksgiving turkey carcass has been bubbled away for stock and the tree is about ready to be hauled out of the attic. Yes, that is what I said....Attic....no real tree here thank you since one of the members of the household - again not me-- thinks real trees spontaneously combust as soon as you turn your back on them. If all progresses as it usually does, 39 degrees will be fondly recalled as a balmy evening during Indian Summer. Can we still say that by the way, Indian Summer? Anyhow, as I started saying, it's cold and more than likely will get colder and heat will not be turned on for quite some time.

Ah well. That's why God made sweaters and afghans and socks.

Early Morning

I love early mornings. It's like the world is entirely yours but you know company is just a floor or a room or a house away. The empty streets and sidewalks are great and so is the seemingly empty house. I love the aloneness feeling but with a safety net. I know I can wake up hubby or pooch or pick up the phone and call a couple of friends up this early.

When I gave up smoking I would walk whenever I had the urge to smoke...this was before the patch. I was always walking. I would leave the house early, early, early and it would still be dark. The streets were empty and my imagination would just be revved up. I would imagine that behind those closed dark windows were all sorts of things occurring and someday, someone would see me walk by and think I had witnessed something I didn't and I would begin to feel that someone would be following me, found where I lived, place heavy breathing calls, show up in the shadows in the parking garage at work etc etc and so forth. Early morning walks would turn out to be not the stress relievers those ladies' magazines said they would be.

Even now, in my quiet house with the sun just coming up I could imagine that the person in the house across the street is ..................Never Mind!!

I'm going to turn on the lights and wake up the dog...

Waving goodbye

Walked to the beach this morning with my dog. It's a beautiful fall day, warmish in the sun and there is plenty of sun, leaves just starting to turn, mostly brown but turning and they are falling too. If the breeze picked up and the leaves blew a little it would look like the opening scene of one of my favorite movies, Arsenic and Old Lace. The streets are really empty now since this is more of a summer spot than a year round place. The town has loads of year rounders but where I am is a smallish enclave of summer places that close up this time of year. It kind of has an abandoned lonely sad feeling. It suits me.

My family has been here for decades, closing in on a century for heavens sake. We came here every summer of all our lives, day after school closed we packed up and headed here. Day after Labor Day, we packed up and headed back. I used to have nightmares when I was young that the car was loaded and pulling away leaving me here alone. Everyone would be waving from the back window and I would be watching them drive away. Funny....although each has left at different times, they have still all gone....Mother, Father, brothers.....here I am on that street of my nightmare and if I close my eyes, I can see them all waving goodbye.

How did I know all those years ago that I would be here without them?

If they had to all leave, and we all do sooner or later, I'm glad they waited until I settled here, in a place I love with all the spots I walk to, visit, look at, bringing back happy memories when we were all smaller and together.

Just a Bunch of DooDads

My uncle Jim has been gone for a long time but I think about him frequently. He was always so glad to see me. He was probably always glad to see everybody but I never thought that way back then...I just so appreciated how glad he always was to see me. He had a big smile and a huge voice and used both all the time.

Once, I was telling him about some group in school that gave me a hard time and he listened and listened and listened. Loved that. When I was done he looked me in the eye and said that they were just a bunch of doodads and I shouldn't give them any more time.

That was such good advice and I still to this day think of that when a DooDad thinks they can use my time. There's a lot of them out there you know.

And Now ...

In a word..

Now see? I should have had a word for that spot but no, I didn't. Why am I attempting to write something when, as they say, words fail me.

I do have something to say. I sent an email to Pajamas Media telling them how pleased I am with their concept and how pleased I am with myself for discovering each of them independently. I have them on my bookmarked list and check each every day usually. I also have more than that and maybe the others will catch up and be included in PJM but at any rate, here's the deal...I got an email back from PJM to me thanking me for my encouraging and complimentary words..................Yow! that is so cool.

The day commences....have a fine one and I hope I do too.

Thanks for listening - or is it reading.....whatever.

What's it All About????

I am so sure that my whole family is together and listening in and hovering about ready to swoop and help -- but how does that compute with absent from the body present with the Lord? They are all present with the Lord. Does that mean they are disconnected from me totally? Can I talk to them like I do with the Lord? Can I ask them to help me like I do with the Lord. Years ago I remember someone saying that if we spoke to those that passed over, somehow we held them here in opposition to what they wish.

I am not sure of those things and need to wonder which always gives me a ponderous headache. Thus the pondering part of searching and.................a small chuckle here.

On with the day ..

The Family

Found an old book by John Bradshaw, former priest, guru of PBS fame, called The Family. I read it and re- read it when I first encountered him on TV. With my recent loss I pulled it out again. He had a handle on interactions and dynamics within a family group, that's for sure. I am stuck on his opening paragraph for chapter 10:

"Growing up means leaving home and becoming a self-supporting adult. I think this is the hardest task any human being has to face. It means breaking the fantasy bond and facing separation and aloneness."

Leaving home may never happen physically but the group that surrounds you and that you feel "at home" with may leave, one by one. Self supporting may not mean in a financial way. Being left alone rather than leaving is a shattering event. Emotional self support is not possible--you need a cushion of something other than you .............. you find that people always leave, they die, they move, they bond elsewhere. Where to look for that support..the one thing that never changes ever is God has established His throne in heaven and His kingdom rules over all. Be lost in God's immensity. You will come out as if from a couch of rest, refreshed and invigorated.

I wish I could think of these things. In lieu of that I have the radio ministers. Thank you God for the airwaves.

Anchors

My brother died. My heart aches and tears fall and pain abounds. My world rocks and shakes and moves under my feet and where am I? My brother should not have left me or his family of choice. His son, his daughter, his partner and her children are all in such a fog of pain and fear and dismay.

God is the God of all grace. When in your private and public worlds everything is out of control remember that God is the King of the World and the Lord of the Universe. God has established His throne in heaven and His kingdom rules over all. We are not in the grip of blind forces. We are both in our public and private worlds schooled in the realm of God's providence.

How on earth did the radio know I needed to hear that if God is not in fact on the throne? My soul is anchored to His throne and He is forever unchangeably true and loving and just. I pray for me and mine and you and yours.

morning message

Had the radio on again this morning and that minister or preacher or pastor, whatever you like to call church leaders, was giving me my marching orders for the day. Pray, he said, pray all day. Wake up and pray. Pray before you pour your coffee. Pray while your stuck in traffic. Worry is an addiction and you should replace it with prayer. God is in the GM business, Great and Mystical. My favorite thing he said was this, don't think God is just like us but older. A lot of us think that way. God is the oldest man with the longest beard. Thinking this way limits what you think He can do. He is limitless and capable of anything. Has anything ever happened that you have no logical explanation for? Well then................ponder that.

I am going to pray my way through the day and work earnestly toward tossing worry onto God. He will take it and shake it out and give me peace in it's place.

a thought

I just read an essay which ended "I never thought I had a story until I wrote it down." That thought will stay with me for quite a while.

brothers before others

I come from a very large family. My mother and father both had numbers of sibs and they in turn had numbers of offsprings and so sibs and 1st cousins abound. Now the cousins and siblings have offsprings who in turn have offsprings and so on and so on.

Anyhow, growing up, in the summer, most aunts and uncles and cousins joined my family since we had a summer place near the ocean. It was just a summer place, linoleum on a concrete slap and only cold water with just an indoor toilet. We swam and sunned and sprawled on cots, two or more at a time depending on age and size. We were and are close like siblings but we were and are cousins.

Now, aunts and uncles are passing and cousins are gray and grandparents. We have had turmoil and feuds and simmering resentments and love and support as large families do.. My aunt once said to me that her children didn't have as many friends as I did because she had so many children and they were all so close that they didn't have time for anyone but each other. Wierd. But that's my family.

My husband met a bunch at a family gathering and he said when we left that he saw me and my brothers coming and going. Everyone in the family has the same head. There is a really scary resemblance.

One uncle died recently and his kids honored him at the funeral service with wonderful memories delivered from the pulpit of the church. My cousin said that the family's motto was brothers before others.....

My smaller family was way more inclusive and counted as brothers many outside of our circle. Which is more Irish do you think?

Hope

Spent the day with a sibling who needs a multitude of medical treatment. While I sat in the waiting room, waiting, I watched the parade of people with so many issues. Some had missing limbs, some were scarred and discolored from the medications and treatments they were enduring, some were withered and weak, some were with walkers, others were in wheel chairs and a very few arrived solo. Most of the people were accompanied by friends or relatives but some were transported by medical crews or personal care attendants. The one thing that all these broken people had in common was a hopeful look toward the receptionist and medical team that greeted them.

I left more than once, overcome by my emotions, feeling frightened or awash with pity or helplessness. So many people, so ill and yet pushing on through yet one more treatment that maybe, somehow would prolong ............... God's creations are so tough and durable. Bits and pieces of us are picked off daily by this world and we keep struggling through with hope and faith and trust. God's grace is sufficient.

Christopher Hitchens

Rocks!

Bliss

I just read Christopher Hitchens article in Slate concerning his upcoming debate with George Galloway tomorrow September 14th......don't miss it. Anyway, he started by mentioning what bliss is to various people. That started my memory banks and I recalled a moment about 7 years ago when I was changing the sheets on my bed. For whatever reason, it crossed my mind that at that moment, everyone important to me in my life, my husband, my parents, my brothers and nieces, nephews and pets, everyone was O.K. safe and healthy as they could be. It passed through my mind that the feeling I had was bliss. I stopped what I was doing and savored it. I am so glad that I did because I think that was the last time all those people and pets were in that condition.

I have said since then, when friends are wondering why the pain abounds, there is bliss galore but it comes sporadically and only for very brief moments...we must hold those moments tightly and use them in the painful interludes.

A Radio Message

Sometimes I do let my mind run around in mad circles and this is one of those times. After my revelation yesterday that all is not as it seems with people - I sighed and moaned through the evening and went to bed early. Awoke to the Christian radio programs I always have on and the message today was.....God will deal with injustice in a just manner. Sometimes it is in your lifetime and sometimes not. It's not your job, it's God's............or something like that. Funny isn't it that the radio knew what my life was like and how I needed to hear that. Sometimes I think the radio might be a direct connection to other places than studios.....I wonder....

I wonder why

I found that someone I deal with every day, and who is usually very pleasant and fun, has been spreading vicious tales about me which are untrue and the names I have been called are extremely colorful. What must I have done and when? Isn't it fascinating that whatever it was could leave me with no memory at all and yet touched this other person's inner stuff to the point of causing him/her to lash out as he/she is?

Naturally it is not possible to confront the person I have obviously offended since my knowledge is third hand and if I let that person know that I know they are spreading nasty stories then I have involved those other people and they would suffer.

Sigh.............and sigh again. I am left to wonder.

here we go

Still anxious but this time I don't have too much sleep to blame. My dreams were busy last night but elusive this am. I wonder why some are so easy to recall and others are lost in the fog of day time. Do some mean more than others or are they all just rehashes of your day to day struggles and worries packaged differently so that they don't wake you up screaming?

When I first woke up I turned on the radio which is always tuned to a Christian station that I love. I heard about how to deal with angry and volatile people. This caught my attention since part of my day to day worries is an angry volatile unpredictable person who would probably like to hurt me bad. Well, it seems that if I am a child of God, and I am, I can never be hurt since God bundles me up and protects me. Later it developed that I might be physically hurt and emotionally bruised and battered but I am safe with God for eternity since no one can hurt my everlasting soul. Well, that's comforting when lying in bed, snug and safe, but when confronted with psychopathic rage or sneaky snarly stuff --- I'm still scared. Not that it isn't a comfort to know that in eternity I'm ok..........I would really like lightening bolts and avenging angels dispatched immediately....I know it can happen.

Oh well, most of my fear is in my mind anyway. I just let myself get carried away. Back to the moment. Concentrate on being bundled up and under the wings of God and on with the day.

faith in the day

Woke up this morning anxious. Too much sleep for a change. Read a passage from "My Utmost for His Highest" (I think that's the name) and it said that we concern ourselves too much with our own circumstances and lose the joy of serving the Lord. I did that yesterday while doing curtains and windows in the guest room. I was thinking of how many people slept in that room, including myself. The circumstances that created the visitations varied from tragedies to simple visits but there had been an array of "guests" in that room and very few had ever contributed monetarily to their stay. Even those that had contributed didn't really take much of a financial burden off of me or us.

I remember that I thought, as I hung the curtains, that if I had the money I spent on all those guests, I would not be scrimping now. Actually I'm not yet scrimping but I always fear that I will be. That thought took the joy out of the act of selflessness that opened my doors to those "guests". Hospitality after all is a way of serving the Lord by serving others and it should never be done with a price tag. I wonder if I have always put a price on what I did and if I did, I hope I can change that. My eyes have been opened and now I can change.

Have a good day.

observation

An acquaintance of mine only has two emotions, rage and self-pity. The use of these is like driving a car stuck in a ditch. Rage is full forward throttle to the floor and self pity is full reverse, same position of the throttle. This only serves to dig the vehicle deeper in the mud. The only way to get out and go forward is a gentle rocking motion with perhaps a good push from an outside party.

Hmm....

life and all

Life is a lot of things but it's never boring. Even when someone says they're bored to me it just means that it's a moment of quiet. I remember as a kid being bored, or at least telling my mother I was. It was more of a whine actually and a plea for her to tell me what I could do. She would run through a list of unappealing things that would keep anyone busy.

"Wash the windows, pick up your room, clean up the porch, rake the yard, brush the dog, color, cut out paper dolls, dust, etc., etc., etc., " None of these things met with my approval but I got my mother's attention and perhaps that was what I was looking for.

Now when I'm bored, mother is gone and I annoy all my friends. I am so blessed to have all my friends. Our conversations range from deep philosophical discussions to short, angry spats. Either way the interaction erases the boredom and life rolls on. I think all that boredom is is the lack of human interaction.

Hmm, I must be bored. Look at that deep philosophical thought.

searching and pondering

Read a headline this am which reminded me of a dream I had last night. My hubby and I were traveling to England and to go through customs you had to sit on a chair which swung from the ceiling and was connected to a scale. Yes. They weighed you before entering. Think of it. What a deterrent to travel, at least for most of us gals. The chair swung and the scale bounced and only when it settled could your weight be read. Fortunately it registered in stones. Everyone waiting their turn, for the most part, were poorly educated Americans such as myself to whom a stone means nothing.

I wondered why the total weight of the visiting public had to be known. Would the Island sink under a certain poundage, or stonage to be correct. Would people be turned back once the limit, whatever it was, had been reached?

I wonder what the whole thing meant? Anyone out there to analyze a dream?

a happy return

searching and pondering

Look how long it's been. Oh my. This speaks to my ability to commit. I must surely try to be at least a monthly poster. Since I last wrote I have gone on an amazing journey. My first cruise and a tour of Alaska. Both were overwhelming. The luxury of the cruise was something I will look forward to again in the future. I have troubles with elaborate service I discovered. I feel guilty being waited on. My mother's voice echoes in my head, "You're strong and healthy. Go get your own ---- (fill in the blank with whatever)".