Friday, January 21, 2011

For the Older Women Out There

Attributed to Andy Rooney via a recent email.  I don't care for Andy Rooney so I hope this isn't his.  It might change my opinion of him.

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in
the middle of the night and ask,
'What are you thinking?'
She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game,
she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She goes and does something, she wants to do,
and its usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you,
if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age..
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50
is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest...
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting
like one. You don't ever have to wonder
where you stand with her..

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself
with some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow
when you can get the milk for free?

Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Chuckle for You

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?' , the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said: 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy: ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied: 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied: ' Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says: 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said: 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.