Thursday, September 29, 2005


My brother died. My heart aches and tears fall and pain abounds. My world rocks and shakes and moves under my feet and where am I? My brother should not have left me or his family of choice. His son, his daughter, his partner and her children are all in such a fog of pain and fear and dismay.

God is the God of all grace. When in your private and public worlds everything is out of control remember that God is the King of the World and the Lord of the Universe. God has established His throne in heaven and His kingdom rules over all. We are not in the grip of blind forces. We are both in our public and private worlds schooled in the realm of God's providence.

How on earth did the radio know I needed to hear that if God is not in fact on the throne? My soul is anchored to His throne and He is forever unchangeably true and loving and just. I pray for me and mine and you and yours.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

morning message

Had the radio on again this morning and that minister or preacher or pastor, whatever you like to call church leaders, was giving me my marching orders for the day. Pray, he said, pray all day. Wake up and pray. Pray before you pour your coffee. Pray while your stuck in traffic. Worry is an addiction and you should replace it with prayer. God is in the GM business, Great and Mystical. My favorite thing he said was this, don't think God is just like us but older. A lot of us think that way. God is the oldest man with the longest beard. Thinking this way limits what you think He can do. He is limitless and capable of anything. Has anything ever happened that you have no logical explanation for? Well then................ponder that.

I am going to pray my way through the day and work earnestly toward tossing worry onto God. He will take it and shake it out and give me peace in it's place.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

a thought

I just read an essay which ended "I never thought I had a story until I wrote it down." That thought will stay with me for quite a while.

Monday, September 19, 2005

brothers before others

I come from a very large family. My mother and father both had numbers of sibs and they in turn had numbers of offsprings and so sibs and 1st cousins abound. Now the cousins and siblings have offsprings who in turn have offsprings and so on and so on.

Anyhow, growing up, in the summer, most aunts and uncles and cousins joined my family since we had a summer place near the ocean. It was just a summer place, linoleum on a concrete slap and only cold water with just an indoor toilet. We swam and sunned and sprawled on cots, two or more at a time depending on age and size. We were and are close like siblings but we were and are cousins.

Now, aunts and uncles are passing and cousins are gray and grandparents. We have had turmoil and feuds and simmering resentments and love and support as large families do.. My aunt once said to me that her children didn't have as many friends as I did because she had so many children and they were all so close that they didn't have time for anyone but each other. Wierd. But that's my family.

My husband met a bunch at a family gathering and he said when we left that he saw me and my brothers coming and going. Everyone in the family has the same head. There is a really scary resemblance.

One uncle died recently and his kids honored him at the funeral service with wonderful memories delivered from the pulpit of the church. My cousin said that the family's motto was brothers before others.....

My smaller family was way more inclusive and counted as brothers many outside of our circle. Which is more Irish do you think?

Friday, September 16, 2005


Spent the day with a sibling who needs a multitude of medical treatment. While I sat in the waiting room, waiting, I watched the parade of people with so many issues. Some had missing limbs, some were scarred and discolored from the medications and treatments they were enduring, some were withered and weak, some were with walkers, others were in wheel chairs and a very few arrived solo. Most of the people were accompanied by friends or relatives but some were transported by medical crews or personal care attendants. The one thing that all these broken people had in common was a hopeful look toward the receptionist and medical team that greeted them.

I left more than once, overcome by my emotions, feeling frightened or awash with pity or helplessness. So many people, so ill and yet pushing on through yet one more treatment that maybe, somehow would prolong ............... God's creations are so tough and durable. Bits and pieces of us are picked off daily by this world and we keep struggling through with hope and faith and trust. God's grace is sufficient.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


I just read Christopher Hitchens article in Slate concerning his upcoming debate with George Galloway tomorrow September 14th......don't miss it. Anyway, he started by mentioning what bliss is to various people. That started my memory banks and I recalled a moment about 7 years ago when I was changing the sheets on my bed. For whatever reason, it crossed my mind that at that moment, everyone important to me in my life, my husband, my parents, my brothers and nieces, nephews and pets, everyone was O.K. safe and healthy as they could be. It passed through my mind that the feeling I had was bliss. I stopped what I was doing and savored it. I am so glad that I did because I think that was the last time all those people and pets were in that condition.

I have said since then, when friends are wondering why the pain abounds, there is bliss galore but it comes sporadically and only for very brief moments...we must hold those moments tightly and use them in the painful interludes.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

A Radio Message

Sometimes I do let my mind run around in mad circles and this is one of those times. After my revelation yesterday that all is not as it seems with people - I sighed and moaned through the evening and went to bed early. Awoke to the Christian radio programs I always have on and the message today was.....God will deal with injustice in a just manner. Sometimes it is in your lifetime and sometimes not. It's not your job, it's God's............or something like that. Funny isn't it that the radio knew what my life was like and how I needed to hear that. Sometimes I think the radio might be a direct connection to other places than studios.....I wonder....

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I wonder why

I found that someone I deal with every day, and who is usually very pleasant and fun, has been spreading vicious tales about me which are untrue and the names I have been called are extremely colorful. What must I have done and when? Isn't it fascinating that whatever it was could leave me with no memory at all and yet touched this other person's inner stuff to the point of causing him/her to lash out as he/she is?

Naturally it is not possible to confront the person I have obviously offended since my knowledge is third hand and if I let that person know that I know they are spreading nasty stories then I have involved those other people and they would suffer.

Sigh.............and sigh again. I am left to wonder.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

here we go

Still anxious but this time I don't have too much sleep to blame. My dreams were busy last night but elusive this am. I wonder why some are so easy to recall and others are lost in the fog of day time. Do some mean more than others or are they all just rehashes of your day to day struggles and worries packaged differently so that they don't wake you up screaming?

When I first woke up I turned on the radio which is always tuned to a Christian station that I love. I heard about how to deal with angry and volatile people. This caught my attention since part of my day to day worries is an angry volatile unpredictable person who would probably like to hurt me bad. Well, it seems that if I am a child of God, and I am, I can never be hurt since God bundles me up and protects me. Later it developed that I might be physically hurt and emotionally bruised and battered but I am safe with God for eternity since no one can hurt my everlasting soul. Well, that's comforting when lying in bed, snug and safe, but when confronted with psychopathic rage or sneaky snarly stuff --- I'm still scared. Not that it isn't a comfort to know that in eternity I'm ok..........I would really like lightening bolts and avenging angels dispatched immediately....I know it can happen.

Oh well, most of my fear is in my mind anyway. I just let myself get carried away. Back to the moment. Concentrate on being bundled up and under the wings of God and on with the day.