Lost

I never watch this show by the name Lost but I feel as if I could be starring in it. I have lost both parents and all siblings in little over 5 years. My last brother died in September and with all the commotion that surrounds funeral arrangements and mothering the niece and comforting his significant other and making everyone feel as if they were the most important people in his life I got lost. Now I am suffering the serious pain of the lost. Oh sure, I have my husband who loves me and whom I love, I have very close friends of a lifetime, I am rich in in-laws and nieces and nephews but somehow..................................I am alone.

Where did they go? Why am I here? Why is that feeling of abandonment which I have felt for years and years and years , why is that the first thing I feel. I know we are not alone. I know God loves me and has since before conception. I know that He is always with me but seriously, I feel alone.

I heard on my morning radio sermon that the more anxious we are, the further we are from turning things over to the Lord. That makes sense. Anxiety is a result, in my opinion, of loss of control. Self absorption deludes us into feeling that we have or should have control of everything and everybody. The longer we live, the more we realize (or should realize) how little control we really have. But we should also be turning to the Lord who does control everything and everybody if granted permission because there is that free will thing. Anyhow, if we turn things over to God, as the minister this morning said, "Cast your burdens on the Lord", we will be unloading our anxiety as well.

Some of this pain I feel is high level anxiety. I guess I feel out of control and of course I should because who could control the illnesses and surgeries and losses that have occurred? Well I tried for sure. I dragged each from doctor's to tests and hospitals and physical therapies. If I couldn't drag then I nagged and pleaded and wheedled to do so. I enlisted the aid of friends and family to nag and wheedle and push the ailing family member too. Now I am without recourse. I must face that we are not able to control our circumstances completely. We can only do what we can do and must turn all else over to the Lord and breathe deeply in the belief that all will be well and it will be.