Sunday, August 29, 2010

Kinda Fun

Some words of wisdom from another email - from a dear friend......

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brillant question!!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How to Lick a Bowl

My cousin sent me this email on how to lick a bowl.  I thought we could all use a few pointers and a smile.

Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Another Stimulus

(updated 9/30/10 -forgot to attribute this gem to another email )

Sometime  this year, we taxpayers will again receive  another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A.  From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ..
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China ..
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ...
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and  they will hide it offshore. 
Instead, keep the money in America by:

 1) Spending it at yard sales, or
 2) Going to ball games, or
 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
 4) Beer or
 5) Tattoos

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)


Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Ain't this the truth?

Sent via email by a dear friend.


I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics...

How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'135,' I say.

The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 4,' I say.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2'.

She then took my blood pr essure and told me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac.. What a BIOTCH..

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Little Known Info

Some Little Known Information which arrived today in an email from my cousin.

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries before the invention of commercial fertilizers, everything had to be transported by ship, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas (of course). As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen: methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction “stow high in transit” on them, which meant the sailors had to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.  Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T” (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.
I always thought it was a golf term.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Miracle Ear is in our future

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


I think I know them.