Main Stream Madness

Just look at how much time has gone by.....the news still blows. Now Al Gore is out to save the planet but there seems to be a bit of dissension over that global warming thing. Hmmm. Some scientists are actually being scientific and using facts and stuff to say that Mr Gore's over the top wild eyed ravings might not be entirely accurate. What happens? Those scientists are accused of "Swift Boating" Mr. Gore. Oh well, that swift boat stuff....what's up with that....catch someone in a fantasy and say so and

Main Stream Madness

Well the news on TV and radio just blows. I don't know what it is, maybe the fact that the people who write that stuff think that we are all so easily manipulated. It's amusing to a certain extent. Once you realize that you are being manipulated to a certain mindset, opinion etc. then all the attempts, "nuanced" as they are, are really clumsy and heavy handed. The more we resist their persuasive techniques, the heavier handed they become. I'm reminded of the elementary school child determine to make you get as wild eyed as he concerning some tale or other. If it's a fender bender at the corner of the street it turns into a multiple wreck with possible fatal injuries, fire trucks and ambulances along with any number of official uniformed personnel. The longer he goes on, the more fantastic the story. Whatever it takes to get the desired response. Be as overwhelmed as he....if not, the story escalates. That child has grown into a headline writer at AP or CBS or the New York Times....whatever... and his methods have remained the same.

Endurance

I have been very lazy lately but that's no excuse. Discipline is the answer. Write and write and write, right? Right! So here I am writing. I have to say that the effort of writing is therapeutic.

Lazy is for sure since I wrote that on the 27th and here it is later and I still have zip zero nada. I am having a little matchgirl kind of day and I believe that I am my mother's daughter after all. I am "blue" I am "out of sorts" I am all those things my mother would say instead of saying the D word. We never get depressed and yet............................

Sighs and moans are helping me and they sure do keep me in isolation. No one would want to push through this wall of blue funk. Well, I must get on with my lackluster life and slog through the muck and mire ahead. I did read Hebrews this morning...only 4 more chapters to go. The Bible is always helpful.....I also heard some conversation, on the radio about 1st Peter....maybe 2nd but Peter anyway and they were talking about enduring. Picture the little burro laden with whatever on both sides> The packs are larger than he but he endures and moves to his goal....good little burro. Sigh. I will endure and

Tomorrow I will read this and feel ashamed of myself for not recognizing all of the blessings the Lord has showered on me and for the fact that, in times of difficulties, He has stood by my side and often carried me through.

I am a blessed and foolishly human child of God. Please Father help me to endure with joy.

Monday

I had a roller coaster weekend as far as emotions were concerned. Everything twanged my heartstrings. I watched Tammy Faye go through chemo yesterday and I sobbed. I watched that depression hurts commercial and when the dog is sitting there with the ball in her mouth, I sobbed. Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt sent me to the Kleenex box as I watched that As Good As It Gets (I think that's the name). Now here I am, Monday morning, wrung out, exhausted and purged of tears. I hope anyway.

We had blue skies and snow. The weather was as whacked as I. I stopped recording all I ate, at least for the past couple of days and what a surprise!!! I gained back the two pounds I lost. If I weren't so predictable I would have to cry some more.

Spring can't come soon enough. I hope it brings that breath of fresh beginnings and hopscotch that it always used to. I am going to plant things. I want tomatoes and clematis and daffodils with tulips and iris and impatiens. Bring. It. On.

Off I go now to laundry and vacuuming. Wish me luck!

OK

Well the two headed cat never reappeared but I spent most of the night deciding whether or not to split the cost of season's tickets to a series of musicals. What the hell? I don't know but all I did all night long as I slept was to go over and over the different musicals involved, the seats in the theater, the cost, whether to charge it or let my friend charge it and pay half. I'm exhausted and never once got to see any of the shows. Oklahoma was one and although I sang along with my friend to the big song we never got to the theater. Hope you have a happy one. I'll be humming Oklahoma O K L A H O M A OklahooooooooooooooooooooooooMA!

Two Heads and all

Now here's a good morning. First of all my husband called and the electric bill at our other house, the one I will move to eventually, has dropped.Yes. Dropped. Nothing in this world ever costs less but our electric bill came in under the bar set by the month before. YAY!!!

Even more good news. As my cardiologist says (I love saying that, my cardiologist. It makes me feel so New York for some reason. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be New York for anything but there is a certain sophistication about it that I feel I lack. Having my own cardiologist makes me more sophisticated albeit a sophisticate in need of a cardiologist might lack some.....but I digress) As my cardiologist says, my weight loss program is moving along at glacial speed. For the past two weeks I have lost a few tenths of a pound. Yes, my scale shows tenths of a pound. I had to have it.....it's the only way I can feel successful as I move towards my goal. My total recorded loss is 1 and 1/10th of a pound. Laugh if you will. I am delirious.

After my rude awakening I never thought I would have two good things in a row before breakfast. I woke up in the middle of a dream.. Let me tell you about it. Blah blah blah followed by a planter with sleeping kittens. The blah part of the dream is not the part to talk about but the kittens. There were two bunches of them and I reached into the planter to pick them up one at a time. The first was clingy with claws digging in everywhere and an odd look that made me think he or she would attempt to climb up my face and hold on. I put that one down. The next was a gray tiger with orange on his or her back..I picked it up and was startled at how heavy it was. You know how you expect kittens to be air balls, well this one was a lead bottom. I put it down and reached for the other. Imagine my surprise to see a tail in the middle of it's back. There it was shaped like a comma, short and curved, right in the middle of its back. As I picked it up higher and put my hand under what I though was its hind end I spotted the other head. Yes. A two headed cat with a tail in the middle of its back. What's that about???? Let me tell you how fast I woke up....very.

If you know what that could mean let me know, unless of course it's not a good thing.


Have a lovely Wednesday.......................

Annoyance

I just thought of something else that annoys me, not as much as it did when it first happened but I'm older now, more mature, growing in wisdom or some such thing. This particular annoyance occurred many years ago. I had graduated from college and had taught sixth grade for one year. I had decided that I would not return to teaching elementary school and would take the summer off. I moved to my parents summer home near a beach and since I had opted to receive my check for the teaching year on a monthly basis, I did not seek employment. I lolled and let the currents take me where they would. They did and by the end of the summer I needed to find a job.

I applied to every single thing I could think of and here comes the annoyance. Every application asked for previous jobs and what you had learned at each. Teaching was not the problem but filling in the jobs prior to that included chambermaid and laundromat attendant. Well what the hell - I was always one to take literally any direction and proceeded to detail the learning experiences each of those employments had provided. Cleaning toilets and polishing the chrome of the bathroom was something I had never done until the chambermaid experience came my way. Separating whites from colors and the proper use of bleach was another. Gads -- the interviews were not forthcoming......and in each case I was told that my attitude needed some work. Learning experiences of the personal development kind were more what they sought in that area of the application. Well hell! Say so! That is annoying.

Just sayin'

Another Reason I Love My Husband

My husband loves that I have this blog. I now run here and blurt out my irritation as opposed to taking him to the mat. I in turn love my husband because, for one thing, as many times as I have taken him to the mat over something as ridiculous as the way people have begun to speak, he still is here and that is not to be sneezed at as they say.

Later ----

Melting Pot

Is there anything more irritating that this new way of speaking which sounds to me like a cross between a Valley girl and Katherine Hepburn? With teeth clenched, in as nasal a tone as you can force, you sing song your way through conversation. Yikes almighty. It's not bad enough that you can travel from coast to coast, northern border to southern border and whatever shopping mall you wander into is exactly like the one you just left. You have no markers, no visual reference to let you know where you are at the moment. You now have no local dialect to reference your location. Everything looks alike and everyone sounds alike. Men and women are the same, we truly have a melting pot here in this decade. We are just a big puddle of people.

HELP!!!

God's Providence

On the radio this morning was the story of Queen Esther. Yes, the Old Testament. The book a friend of mine said was too old to bother with.....OH! MY! More on that later. For the moment let me tell you what is ringing in my ears and will reverberate the rest of the day and perhaps longer. God's Providence.

God's Providence. As the tale unfolded and perhaps you are very familiar with the tale.....Mordecai was loyal to the king but first to God. Haman, a scheming, evil, ambitious man was next to the king at all times and whispered in his ear. One day at the gate Mordecai overheard a plot to harm the king and told Esther, one of the king's wives also Mordecai's niece. Esther told the king in Mordecai's name, the plot was investigated and the men hung. Mordecai remained a loyal servant to the king without recognition. Haman twisted the truth and plotted and became the king's first trusted man. At this point the discussion of how the story applies to our lives occurred. How unjust that the righteous receive no reward and the wicked prosper. As it developed the righteous did prosper but in God's time. Did we think it coincidence that Mordecai heard that conversation at the gate? Was it happenstance that his niece, a Jewess, was married to the king, not a Jew? God sees ahead and things occur that will come in handy later for His plan. He puts us in situations, puts people in our paths. He knows the future because He is the Creator. We are His Creations. He loves us and yet we worry about the future. We don't know the script, God does. It will all unfold as it should in God's time and in God's way.. All things turn to good for those who love the Lord.

I am leaning on the Lord as I walk the path of the future and trust in His plan for me. As we spend each day striving to please Him we are weaving the tapestry of life in the pattern He has chosen for us and it is good. Each day is only a small stitch but they all are necessary. Things we do, people we interact with, thoughts and moods are all in the works. Do everything with hope and faith. Onward Christian soldiers and so forth. I hope that in my dreary times I remember this.

Ay! Caramba!

Just a quick note to let you know how the enchiladas turned out. Ay! Caramba! and that's all I have to say about that. No kidding. They were not bad at all. The green sauce was soooo very good. The enchiladas needed some work in the filling area. The chicken should be shredded better I think and should have been spiced up a bit. I was too timid first time out. I think too the tortillas should have been corn instead of flour -- maybe. I must say though, for someone without a tad of hispanic anything in my background, surroundings or anywhere nearby, I did ok muchachos!

I Just Don't Care

Well, you know what? I don't care if anyone reads this thing or not. I am doing this for my own reasons and none of those include other people reading. There was a time a while back when there were some viewers and way back when I even had a comment or two. Of course the majority of comments were spammers advertising penis enlargements or some such thing. Anyway, under normal conditions I would hate to have a journal viewed but when you think you are anonymous well hell read away.

Today is a perfectly grand winter day. The sky is blue, the temperature will maybe hit 30 if we are lucky and the snow is still white, except for those spots where my pooch relieved himself. I am enjoying my winter moment. I think it's the sun that makes the difference. Your exposed body parts can turn blue and red and white, freeze and fall off but if the sun is out it's a perfect day.

Later today, hubby and I are going to make enchiladas Verde and do Mexican dances. Well maybe not the dances but the Verde we will be making. I have had a craving for those enchiladas for weeks and watched that Food channel show, Semi-homemade. I think her name is Sandra Lee. She has inspired me. She was talking about some restaurant she loved and always ordered something or other. She decided that she could duplicate those flavors at home and have the whatever's whenever she wanted without having to go out. Man, that is the greatest idea. Think of whatever you crave and then, rather than getting on the plane and returning to Paris or Rome or Tokyo, start the process of attempting to replicate the recipes. We begin today with enchiladas Verde which we LOVE and always order when we go to El Sarape in Weymouth Mass. In anticipation, I have printed every recipe I found on the Net and ordered fresh tomatillos from our local produce guy. I'll let you know how we do. This is our first effort and may take quite a few before we perfect the flavors.......................

Happy Weekend

The Rules

So I like the rules and play by them and things will be fine and as you get older you wonder who ever told you that because really .. are they? fine I mean. Not always and yet you still play by the damned rules and wonder wonder wonder......

So, now that that's clear....Yesterday, at work, I opened the incoming pile of bills to pay. That's basically what I do ... pay bills. I opened a bill which was an overdue parking ticket, three of them actually. I put them to one side and continued on. At the end of the openings I went back to those tickets and checked my old records to see if they might not be paid. Often, things cross in the mail and blah blah then, just as often, bureaucratic hacks sitting in the lofty and job for life positions they hold don't do their jobs but even so they keep their jobs and get raises and fully paid medical and when they retire they get great gobs of pension money BUT I digress......that's a subject for another posting....

I checked those tickets and what do I find? One of the tickets is dated July 1995. Yes. You read me right. Eleven, count them, eleven years old.....the records I keep only go back 9 years...yes, 9 is more than necessary but obviously, I did not count on this particular township keeping their unpaid tickets, or tickets we paid and they never posted or tickets which were never issued but they need extra revenue and what the heck, who can prove they paid something 11 years ago.......

Yes, I had a righteous explosion of outrage about the rules and living by them and doing the right thing and why bother because it seems people can do as they damned well please and after all, that witch Hillary was right about her stupid plantation talk but she meant that we, the foolish tax paying middle class worker bees are the financial slaves and the public sector employees are the overseers and the damned elected politicians are our "massa's". We work and fill the bags with tax moneys and fees and fines and licenses and permits and whatever else they can think of to bleed us dry and when we balk, they threaten to take our property because their high roller friends can make it bigger and better for someone so get back in line and go to work............

Okay. You know where I'm coming from. I exhausted myself with the previous outburst and then called the number on the long long "overdue" ticket to ask if they were really serious about this. The gal who answered said of course they were and I should know there is no statute of limitations on parking tickets and murder. Did I know that? Well the murder part yes but PARKING TICKETS?????? Well, if I did not pay then they would have to impose fines and late fees and interest and penalties the likes of which I could not even imagine. Yikes! Even murderers get an appeal but PARKING OFFENDERS........fuggeddaboudit!!

I hung up feeling bruised and battered by the set for life employed forever never have to worry about a pay raise or paying medical insurance or losing a penny from retirement accounts public serving wench.

I decided to call the town directly and voice my complaint about their policy and being exhausted from my previous outbursts and the tongue lashing I took from the collection clerk, I was rather meek when the Chief of Parking Violations answered. I stated my case, such as it was and to my surprise he told me he would dismiss that ticket.......seeing's how I was so nice and all. Well, maybe the play nice rule worked after all......of course the earlier antics I put myself through probably took a week off my life but you know? That might not be so bad...........Only Kidding...........

Is it True????

I read a lot of blogs, I have been doing so since the election of 2000. You know that election. Funny but I was reading the blogs because I was losing my mind with the twisting of reality and logic the press was going through as they trumpeted Al Gore's right to the presidency.

I am, as you may have guessed by now, a law and order type of gal. I like clear direction. I like rules to live by. I like regulations. I used to work in a group that dealt with rules and regulations. I liked it when a question arose we could go to the book, read the rule and follow it. If you were following the rule you were right. If you were not following the rule you were wrong. Case closed.

When the election of 2000 was bending every rule in Gore's favor I flipped. The deadline for the count was blah but we can move it. The counting must be done by blah but we will move that date. We can decide what a hanging chad is and means and the rules are not meant to be followed when they are turning the results in a direction we don't approve of. My head was exploding with righteous anger.

I feel the Supreme Court made everyone follow the rules. I don't always feel they do but in this case they did. I would have been equally outraged if the Bush camp were doing what the Gore camp was doing. RULES ARE RULES if you don't want to follow them, change them according to the process for change. DON"T DO AS YOU DAMN PLEASE!!!!

OK now to the point. During the blog reading I found many points of view and dove in. I am also (I think) an addictive type and a sponge. I can't imagine a day without my blog tour. I find that journal type blogs are very attractive and there are a few that I must read, not for the enlightenment but for the soap opera pull on my attention. I wonder how he/she is feeling or doing or blah blah blah. I was hooked on one way back when. It was written by a young boy with cancer and lot's of money and living with a foster family and his real parents were in court to bring him back for the money of course but he wanted to stay where he was. There was drama and hanging chads of an emotional variety. It turned out that the whole thing was a hoax. I forget how it was uncovered but it was true and the site disappeared and even though it was not true, I missed it. I enjoyed it like I enjoyed As the World Turns.

Today I am reading, as I said, a couple of journal type blogs and I read them for the voyeur in me. A peek into someone's life, one they allow you, is very satisfying. One blog lately is making me think that it can't be real. This person has an all consuming job, hundreds of e-mails and conference calls and meetings and weekends devoted to meetings and on and on and yet...........Yoga three times a week, therapy of a regular type, ball room dancing classes, woodworking, a partner with children who visit, long romantic weekends away, in vitro fertilization, buying a house, selling a house, a garden, and family turmoil...Yikes! How could it be. Remember, I haven't been reading blogs for very long and this particular one for less than a year and all of the above is within the past year. Oh also in the past couple of weeks a terrible urinary tract infection which required a home visit from a doctor. All this and HOW????

I'm unable to capture the essence in this paragraph or two but when you combine all of the above and try to figure out when she has time to post all of it for our viewing pleasure it makes me wonder (finally) even with the pictures posted to underscore reality and there are pictures.....................How can it be true?

The Image of God

Yesterday I started a thought. I was onto the we are made in God's image but different. I heard Chuck Colson this morning as he discussed the public's love for cop shows like Law and Order. He said that we loved those shows not because it gave us comfort to know that there is such a thing. People get comfort from shows like those during times of high crime but, Chuck said, crime is down so what's up?

I am so punny sometimes.

Well, said Chuck, the reason we love the Law and Order type shows is due to the fact that planted in our hearts is God's love for justice and truth. We love to see good triumph over evil, the guilty are punished. We are like God in that we are pleased with justice and truth and isn't it amazing, it is to me, that the theme of his show is similar to the theme of my thoughts? I am always so amazed in the radio minister. Some day I will be like my Grandmother and people will think that I really believe there are people in that box rather than acknowledge the wonders of the air waves.

I miss my Grandmother. She taught me the joy of the Bible.

February Memories

The poor me's are still circling but then, it's winter, I always seem to fall into the grip of the me's in winter. February is the month I married my first husband (I've only had two but when I say my first husband it seems that I should have a string of them to introduce). February is when the blizzard of '78 hit and we decided to move far away out of state and February is when my first husband went to the garage with a bottle of scotch and a cheery hi ho, turned on the car, left the garage door closed and left us all, his wife, his brother, his parents, his cousins, all of his and my friends to wonder what went wrong. We all took a share of the guilts and what if's and if only's. We all still, those of us still above ground, wonder why. I learned there are no answers here to many questions. I learned the only sure and forever thing you can count on is the love of God, the Salvation of Jesus and the redemption He provides. The Holy Spirit dwells in our hearts and guides us in our lives if we ask and listen. I learned these things and still ....................

My second and current husband is a wonderful partner and honors my moods and my history. He loves me deeply and is my very best companion. I would rather be with him than anyone else in this world and I have a wonderful circle of friends with whom I love to spend time. Still.............

I wonder and ponder and search my past to find the speck the moat that was there and still is and pray constantly that the Lord will forgive me. I know He has, I wish I could forgive me. I have less and less anxiety over things in the past but they are still there. That, it seems to me is a huge difference between God and us. We are made in His image. I think that means that we are capable of things like forgiveness but the huge difference between us and Him is that He forgives in an instant and totally. We are washed clean in His eyes and He loves us totally but we, although we are capable of forgiveness as well, we forgive in increments. The pain of the offense becomes less acute but it's still there. The vividness of the words or deeds become less clear but are so recognizable. We hold the thought with less emotion each day that passes. Forgiving others is more likely easier than forgiving ourselves because we are always with ourselves. Wherever we go, there we are. If we could take a brief vacation, the process might go more quickly but there's no way to do that. Denial is only a temporary help. When the curtain is pulled back, the event or deed or words are there bigger than life.

Well, now you see what I wrestle with. The past has less power the further away it moves but it is always there. The emotion is dampened and logic, love and time move you through the guilt and help to complete the process of forgiveness. I am so grateful that God moves in ways we cannot understand. Praise God for all His Blessings and His Grace. Thank You Jesus for Your sacrifice.

Have a good day and thank You God for making February the shortest month.......

Moods

I'm having some poor me moments, actually more than moments. I feel like I'm in a bad Russian novel. I'm poor pitiful Pearl, I'm my mother's favorite Christmas story, The Little Matchgirl. Yes, that's right. Her favorite Christmas story was The Little Matchgirl. She loved it when all the kids would cry because that reminded her of her childhood when her father told that story. At least that's the story she told. She would laugh then at the shock of whoever she was telling her story to. That's the way she was. Sound odd to you? Well tough.

That's the way I think we were raised. Tough it out. I think I told you that was the advice my uncle gave me at my mother's wake. Suck it up! No tears! Somehow it's not good to show weakness, ever. Go home alone and deal with it. That's the message we all got from every adult in our vicinity. How then did I cultivate this poor me stuff. I dwell on the how's and why's and never go far. I'm back with the victim crap. I guess I'm looking for someone to help - this most often means someone to do it for me. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. Most often what the poor me stuff brings is aloneness. No one I know will deal with this self pity stuff for more than 10 seconds.

Here I am. Alone.

Okay. I've had enough of this. Life is good and the weather is perfect today. High 40's in February is perfect. I am going to take a walk and shake off this nonsense. I will dive into the comfort of Psalms and ponder the fate of David. Now there was a guy. Talk about a roller coaster of a life. I'll be back and I'll be happy.

Love Ya!

Can't write at night

Yes, the title to this little entry is a poem. And it's true. See you in the morning when maybe the writing will return.

A Quiet Mind

Wow. That post from yesterday seems like a month ago. I barely remember writing it but I did. There are so many things to comment on today but I don't know where to start. People are so amazing aren't they? We are so firmly set on our tracks when we are tiny tots and right or wrong we tend to stay on those tracks for life. Every now and then I break through and realize those tracks may not be accurate to the person I am. Then I think, "Am I the person I am or the person I want to be or the person someone else wanted or wants me to be?"

Then I think, "Somebody stop me please. I am thinking again."

So at the beginning of a Wednesday I am in the middle of a think place. It's so tough to get out of these things. I talked to a dear friend who has had some major life changes and she was saying that her head was buzzing with thoughts and she couldn't quiet it. She was convinced that she was about to die since she was constantly thinking about her life in past years and since they say your life flashes before your eyes as you die then she was dying. Granted, the rate of death was such that it would take quite some time to go. Her life wasn't so much flashing by as wandering. We will talk later today about methods of quieting one's mind. Any suggestions?

Happy Thanksgiving

OK so it's Happy Valentine's Day ....... 25 years ago this evening with the results showing up on the 15th, my first husband sat in a garage with the car running and a gallon of scotch and ended it all - for him. For me it was just the beginning. I was so deeply in debt and his last desperate throes of credit card spending and medical bills brought me to my knees for years and really is still ringing the gong is many ways. So, today, my husband of many years following that event................He called me, (I'll explain later why we are not together - it's really a very long story) anyway, he called me this morning and very sweetly said "Hello Honey, I Love You --- Happy Thanksgiving"

Ye Gads --- Same to you Big Guy.


To all of you not reading this -------------- Happy Thanksgiving. Love You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I Do.....