Sunday Rambles 

Grim and gray with patches of leftover snow from yesterday's storm.  Not much of a storm in the way New England can do a storm but there was snow and for a while, it covered everything.  It's January after all and this is only the 2nd time, I think, that snow made an appearance.  Hopefully it will take the hint, realize it's really not welcome here and stay up North where it should be.

Yesterday was my niece's funeral.  She was 61.  I'm 77.  All wrong in so many ways.  She had been in a long term care facility for over 5 years.  She had Cerebral Palsy and over the past 10 years had lost her mobility so that she was bound to a wheel chair.  She had trouble with her speech all her life as well as her other physical challenges and yet she was a force.  She was a very determined lady.  She never wanted to hear that she wouldn't be able to - you name it.  She wanted nothing more than to move through life as we all can.  

Wrote the above on Thursday and today is Sunday.  For the past days I have been out of sorts and not feeling much else.  It's been terribly cold and I am wanting to feel the heat of the sun.  I was asked by a good friend how I was feeling after my loss and she went on to say that, with me, it was hard to tell since I never let my feelings show.  I thought I was pretty transparent but evidently not.  As a result of that exchange I, of course, travelled inward to determine if that was true and it seems that it is to a great extent.  I realized that I had not been dealing with Kathy's passing as most people deal with that.

The night before last I heard her voice in my sleep and then during the day I searched my saved messages on my phone.  I had two from her and as I played them I realized how much I will miss her.  My last call with her was two days before she died and I'm so glad it was a loving conversation.  Told her I loved her and she said she loved me and I said I would call her on Thursday after her doctor's appointment.  She died on Wednesday. As I played that message I cried.  

Rambling on here and getting nowhere but right now I'm trusting that Kathy is now free from pain and physical challenges.  Her loved ones, and mine, were there to greet her as she went through that door and all is well with her soul.