February Memories

The poor me's are still circling but then, it's winter, I always seem to fall into the grip of the me's in winter. February is the month I married my first husband (I've only had two but when I say my first husband it seems that I should have a string of them to introduce). February is when the blizzard of '78 hit and we decided to move far away out of state and February is when my first husband went to the garage with a bottle of scotch and a cheery hi ho, turned on the car, left the garage door closed and left us all, his wife, his brother, his parents, his cousins, all of his and my friends to wonder what went wrong. We all took a share of the guilts and what if's and if only's. We all still, those of us still above ground, wonder why. I learned there are no answers here to many questions. I learned the only sure and forever thing you can count on is the love of God, the Salvation of Jesus and the redemption He provides. The Holy Spirit dwells in our hearts and guides us in our lives if we ask and listen. I learned these things and still ....................

My second and current husband is a wonderful partner and honors my moods and my history. He loves me deeply and is my very best companion. I would rather be with him than anyone else in this world and I have a wonderful circle of friends with whom I love to spend time. Still.............

I wonder and ponder and search my past to find the speck the moat that was there and still is and pray constantly that the Lord will forgive me. I know He has, I wish I could forgive me. I have less and less anxiety over things in the past but they are still there. That, it seems to me is a huge difference between God and us. We are made in His image. I think that means that we are capable of things like forgiveness but the huge difference between us and Him is that He forgives in an instant and totally. We are washed clean in His eyes and He loves us totally but we, although we are capable of forgiveness as well, we forgive in increments. The pain of the offense becomes less acute but it's still there. The vividness of the words or deeds become less clear but are so recognizable. We hold the thought with less emotion each day that passes. Forgiving others is more likely easier than forgiving ourselves because we are always with ourselves. Wherever we go, there we are. If we could take a brief vacation, the process might go more quickly but there's no way to do that. Denial is only a temporary help. When the curtain is pulled back, the event or deed or words are there bigger than life.

Well, now you see what I wrestle with. The past has less power the further away it moves but it is always there. The emotion is dampened and logic, love and time move you through the guilt and help to complete the process of forgiveness. I am so grateful that God moves in ways we cannot understand. Praise God for all His Blessings and His Grace. Thank You Jesus for Your sacrifice.

Have a good day and thank You God for making February the shortest month.......