Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mothers' Day - What Else?

Happy Mother's Day Mom. I lost you on May 9, 1999 and have ever since reached for the phone to call you at various times since that's what I did for as many years as I can remember. I called you every single day if I didn't see you. Talk about enmeshed! But somehow it wasn't that at all. You were my friend finally after years of mothering and smothering. We laughed and cried and had these little differences of opinion which anyone in the world would have called a fight but since you told the world that you and your daughter never ever fought, what else could those discussions have been called? Debates? Sharing ideas? Oh well, never the less, we always apologized if necessary and you never really had to now did you?

On Mother's Day you were always in Florida. Dad eventually had the year down to Florida and here. You would leave in October and return mid-May thus always missing Mother's Day. That is why I always called you on Mother's Day and I feel the need to do so now. For those of you who checked the calendar for 1999, you will take note that in that year May 9th was Mother's Day. Yes, the one year she was here she decided not to be.

My mother always told the story of how, on Mother's Day at her church when she was a child, the kids would be given carnations, either pink or white. One color meant that your mother was alive and the other? Not. She was always so sad for the children with that color and she was so glad she had her mother and the moral of that story was that we should be glad too. We were. Really. She just had some trouble accepting our limitations in telling her. Somethings are said with actions as well as words and I spent all of my life loving her and trying to convince her that I did. She was a powerful lady in my life and she is in my mind and on my mind.

Most of our "differences of opinion" revolved around the actions I took to have a life separate from hers. She certainly wanted me to since that is the goal of parents. She knew that was the goal. It was just a very painful thing for her to achieve. Achieve it I did, in some cases with her blessing and in others not so much. In the not so much cases I usually regretted tossing her cautions aside but as most of us do, I had trouble letting her know. As I got older and we became more friends than not, I would go back over some of those moments and she was so thrilled to hear that her words made an impression. I'm glad I did that. Those confessions were gifts of untold value to her.

I could go on and on and suppose I have in the past and will in the future. Suffice to say that I wish the color of my carnation were the other and Mom, I love you and wish I could pick up the phone and tell you so.

Hope everyone with the other color carnation is either with Mom today or telling her they wish they were. Happy Mother's Day to all.


kenju said...

What a nice post, Gemma. Considering my relationship with my mom, I could have written this. We "debated" throughout our lives. My mom's birthday was May 12, and so I am doubly reminded at this time of year how much I miss her. Now I have a birth mother to send cards to and call on this day. Our relationship is much shorter lived (at least for my part), but cherished, nonetheless.

Michele sent me today.

Diane Mandy said...

Mother's Day must be a pretty hard day for you. I am sorry for your loss.