Saturday, February 04, 2006

Self protection

I have had a week that I am so glad is over. I am facing a week to come that will try me as well. What an expression that is, try me. I guess it fits in with "test me" , "Bring it on", "Oh Yeah?" "Says Who" and so forth. Well, the week that has passed has tried me. I'm not sure I passed the test but I know that I was out of my comfort zone, I had to make some hard decisions, I had to undo a decision that was previously made and I had to reach way down for some back bone . I hope that I will not waver as they say. I'm not used to protecting myself. Somehow it seems selfish. What's that about?

Irish mother, older sons, younger daughter, the sons are the prize and the girls are the goats. The girls run and fetch and give it up to the sons. The biggest portions, the best of the lot, the newest and brightest and shiniest goes to the boys. The girls clean up and serve up and wait on and wait for the boyos to take what they want and then -- there you go, have at it and oh by the way, clean up everything as well and get ready for the next round.

I know I'm making it sound terrible and I guess it is but when you are living it and have always lived it, it's pretty darned normal. The comfort zone is there. Being first and demanding the equal and equally fine portion is just plain selfish. Stand back and wait to be included. That's what I'm used to.

The point of this is that I had to make decisions where I thought of my best interests, I did so and I am so exhausted by it. It took a gargantuan force of will to make those decisions and I hope that I have learned that it is never selfish to demand equality. It is never selfish to deny someone the right to hurt you. How ridiculous that I would have to convince myself of this. I have no problem giving this advice to any one else. I have wrestled with this and have taken the giant step forward. I am exhausted but content.

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