Fine and Dandy thanks and you?

Oddly enough, I am feeling fine. I say oddly since it IS odd to feel fine. I am usually anxious, stressed, bored, defeated, depressed, sad, etc etc and so forth. Fine is new. Fine in that I am none of those things I just streamed on about. I must admit that I have that way off in the distance cloud of guilt that could overwhelm me at any moment. You know the one. It's out there, there's no reason for it but the lift of an eyebrow, someone stopping talking as you walk into the room, a comment about something missing.........whatever, any of those can start it up.

I was telling a friend that when a call comes in from a certain party I can feel my stomach churn and all the acids in my body work their way up to my throat. I become paralyzed with unknown angst and panic. Unknown because I know there's no reason to have those feelings but it's uncontrollable. It's like when I was a kid and was told that someone in authority wanted to talk to me. It was always, in my head, because I did something wrong. I would run through everything I had ever said, done, thought and would , in my head, vow to never do, say or think such bad things ever, ever again. Nine times out of ten that person in authority would want to talk to me for completely simple things. Would I like to join reading club? Could the Brownie meeting be at my house? Would I ask my mother to bake brownies for the Valentine's party? That sort of thing. The walking of the plank never occurred. The stay after school for the rest of your life because you told Margie Scott that Ruthie Lindsay didn't like her....that never happened. Why do I still have that dread and fear of someone in a position of authority calling to speak with me?

Back to fine. I have none of those feelings now. I am fine. I want to stay that way for an hour or two. I like it. Gotta go now while the feeling is still with me.