I have been so consumed with health issues that I have done very little, if any, searching and pondering. I came across this diary entry and thought I might share it since it is truly a pondering piece that resulted from my usual search of me.
I think this took place 2 weeks or so ago.
A lot of reality rocks were tossed my way this week. Each time the truth hit, a chunk of armor dropped to the ground leaving an open wound of tender, I don’t know who I am, flesh. I am sad and mourning the used to be parts of me. It’s better to know the truth, I guess, but when it hits it can be really painful.
One thing I have learned is that I always did stuff, family stuff, run and fetch and let her do it stuff because I wanted whoever I did that stuff for to like me. I would have paid them but I never had money so my currency was my willingness to put my wants and needs over there somewhere and do for someone else. The person throwing the truth at me recently didn’t bring up that bit of knowledge. I worked that out on my own.
What the person opened up for me was that door where once you enter you can’t turn back. That door brought me into a place where I realized that no one in my life ever just loved me. Aww, poor me. I don’t say it in that manner, although to tell the truth, and I will try from now on, to tell the truth, I did at first. I realized that unconditional love fairy tale is just that, a fairy tale. You always have to work at something for that love to wash over one or both of you. I guess I just found it easier to operate that way because for my childhood life there was always the “If you would only. . . . , then . . . ” That was the method of communication in my family. “Your father won’t like you if…..” Note, it was never, “Your father won’t like IT” “I am going to my room and won’t come back until….” Those were Mother’s opening shots, Father’s always were “I am so disappointed in you” and that, of course, was due to some doing or other on your part.
I am now working on what to do now that I know that’s what I do. Shall I continue to do even when I don’t want to because it seems to work with the person I’m doing for? Or should I only do what I enjoy and if nobody likes it well then…..
I see some relationship wreckage in my area even though I did and did and did. Those people I did for are not here now and when they left it was because I didn’t do something or other for them, in most cases things I was not able to do. I guess, as I think about it and I do with more frequency than is healthy, I am really better off without them since if they were here, they would only want more from me and I am truly worn out right now.