Grief and Memories

Just read an entry by a blogger at Random Fate. It concerned his Dad's passing and the overwhelming emotions he is going through which he realizes are not much different that the emotions he had growing up. I thought about this since I have lost my entire family in the past 6 years. They have dropped like candlepins, they teetered and swayed and I lunged and tipped the floor and encouraged and prayed and they fell nevertheless. First my mother and then my father followed by my oldest brother and then my older brother and now here I stand. Who will watch my teetering and try to stand me upright through sheer will and gritted teeth and deals with God and prayer filled nights apologizing for the deal making and on and on.......who knows?

I relate to his rage and pain and understand that. As he related his remembrance of emotions long ago I found an aha moment in recognizing the pain from years ago. In my case I acquired through my mother the resistance to change gene. I told you before how I freaked when my bedroom was changed. I think even rearranging the furniture would bother me. I remembered in an aha way that as a child I deliberately burned certain memories into my brain, " I never want to forget this", I would say to myself and then squeeze my eyes shut take the mental picture, breathe in the smells, listen to the noises of that moment. I was very fearful of forgetting me and mine. How weird huh? As a college student, after class, in the smokers and lounges we would talk about dreams and goals and things we wanted to acquire. If we had a bunch of money what would we do? I remember stating that I would travel and experience and sight see and visit people and places so that when I was 100 years old in the nursing home I could replay all of my adventures and enjoy them all over again. I forgot that until now. What am I talking about??? I dipped into the grief that blogger felt, re-experienced mine and then, I made it all about me. How human of me. But in writing it down I will remember all of this better, grief over lost dreams and goals can be as wild a ride as grief felt when a loved one is loss. It might even be worse because I know I'll see my loved ones again but those dreams.....................