Improving the hour

I wish that I could be so prolific that whenever I sit down at the computer, one of the first things that I do is to write something here. I am not so prolific and I am lazy. Talked to my niece this am and she was telling me about the teacher conference she went to for her 6 year old. He's bright and energetic and creative and all those things are true but he's also lazy and inattentive and needs work on his small motor skills. I laughed because it brought to mind the teacher's comment on the back of the report card I brought home when I was about 8. Gemma should spend more time on her penmanship and less time socializing. I think the same comment would apply lo these many years later. My penmanship is still miserable and I still socialize way too much. Once captured by an elementary school teacher, it's hard to break out of the mold.

Weekend Prayer

Weekend things are so standard around here. Laundry and dry mopping and clean the bathrooms and change the beds and shop for the week and get ready for Saturday company which may or may not stay over so maybe shop for Sunday breakfast and whew! what used to be fun becomes so routine and tiresome sometimes.

I like weekends, don't get me wrong. It's nice to have no other kinds of pressures, the kinds that exist on week days when banks are open and lawyers can call and places of business are open and that may require you to call or pay or visit or whatever . Those things are not hovering. Only the social and living kinds of things are overhead. Cooking and cleaning and smiling things are demanding too.

I guess it's the time of year and the times and events that have recently passed that have taken its toll. I feel like my battery is at a very low point and my light is dim and flickering. Fill me with Your strength Lord and move my feet on the path You have chosen for me. Amen

Grief and Memories

Just read an entry by a blogger at Random Fate. It concerned his Dad's passing and the overwhelming emotions he is going through which he realizes are not much different that the emotions he had growing up. I thought about this since I have lost my entire family in the past 6 years. They have dropped like candlepins, they teetered and swayed and I lunged and tipped the floor and encouraged and prayed and they fell nevertheless. First my mother and then my father followed by my oldest brother and then my older brother and now here I stand. Who will watch my teetering and try to stand me upright through sheer will and gritted teeth and deals with God and prayer filled nights apologizing for the deal making and on and on.......who knows?

I relate to his rage and pain and understand that. As he related his remembrance of emotions long ago I found an aha moment in recognizing the pain from years ago. In my case I acquired through my mother the resistance to change gene. I told you before how I freaked when my bedroom was changed. I think even rearranging the furniture would bother me. I remembered in an aha way that as a child I deliberately burned certain memories into my brain, " I never want to forget this", I would say to myself and then squeeze my eyes shut take the mental picture, breathe in the smells, listen to the noises of that moment. I was very fearful of forgetting me and mine. How weird huh? As a college student, after class, in the smokers and lounges we would talk about dreams and goals and things we wanted to acquire. If we had a bunch of money what would we do? I remember stating that I would travel and experience and sight see and visit people and places so that when I was 100 years old in the nursing home I could replay all of my adventures and enjoy them all over again. I forgot that until now. What am I talking about??? I dipped into the grief that blogger felt, re-experienced mine and then, I made it all about me. How human of me. But in writing it down I will remember all of this better, grief over lost dreams and goals can be as wild a ride as grief felt when a loved one is loss. It might even be worse because I know I'll see my loved ones again but those dreams.....................

The Week that Was

And was is a perfect place for this past week to be. Nothing out of sorts really, just a general feeling of angst which has not been helped by watching the Alito hearings from time to time. A friend said that I should not get so involved with the nonsense since everyone knows it's just a game. Teddy boy doesn't believe anything he's saying nor does anyone listening to him. Why do we have this group in charge I say. They all playact and do nothing but create big fat money bags to fall into when they are off their pedestals.

I know, I know, it all works for good for those who love the Lord. I know but how can these playground bullies puff up and moralize???????

I'll be back and I'll moralize some myself maybe.....

2006 So Far

Well so far it seems pretty much like 2005. I weigh the same, I feel the same, the problems are still the same and the good stuff is still the same. Pretty darned good so far. I hate change and things are working for me. I told someone yesterday that I hated change so much that when I was 12 or so and my oldest brother had married and moved out I got his room. It was big enough for a bed and bureau and nightstand and desk. My old bedroom was only big enough for a bed. It was the size of a closet. I think it used to be one. Anyway the first night in my new bedroom was so traumatic that I could barely close my eyes. The room seemed so large that my voice echoed. It wasn't that large, believe me. It was just that large in comparison to what I had left. I never wanted to change rooms ever again. I wanted my old room back. I never did get it back and I think that I have been having the night anxieties ever since and it's all because of changing rooms.

All that is to say that I am not unhappy that 2006 is so much like 2005 so far.