Tough it out

I have come to realize that I have been, if not deeply then, skimmingly depressed for quite some time. I live in my car commuting from home to home. I hang on to the house of my childhood saying that I have no time or energy to clean it out and ready it for sale. I am doomed to being the last (wo)man standing in my immediate family and dealing with the company my father loved so much.

I have the dubious honor of being the family member who must clean up. I have emptied closets and my parents homes and thrown out clothes my mother saved from my high school days. I have had friends and family take bags and boxes of trinkets mother and dad collected over their many years on earth. I have swept and hauled off to the dump or salvation army any number of things so that those houses could be renovated and lived in. The one down south? Sprung a leak, mold and mildew, fights with insurance and condo managers and neighbors, all from a distance and finally selling as is for a loss. The other which was left to me is where my husband has moved thinking we would be there way sooner than this.

The business is now in process of being moved into the world of business. Accounts kept on matchbook covers and slips of paper somewhere are being gathered and updated and computerized. Records are in process of being created and people are being charged with behaving like employees and managers rather than fraternity brothers and club members. None of these things are easy or fun. All take time time and more time. People have to buy in to change and what person in their right mind would want to go from easy and relaxed to accountable and often grinding.

I'm no spring chicken. In most of my previous life with a very large corporation I was on the sweep up end of some high flier's mess. The project would be dazzling and sparkling. It would, in reality, be a non-starter. It merely fizzled out and lay there in a lump of wet ashes. Since the project managers had made a huge splash and been promoted and praised and received HUGE bonuses, upper management felt that at the very least the project should function somewhat. Call in the work horses (me included) who could put the parts in some semblance of order, get the codes needed to build it, bill it and make it sell. Since all the kudos had already been given out, this crowd couldn't be recognized for their efforts which about 99% of the time worked. Not to worry, some day, ya da ya da retire now please....you're old. Oh, and by the way, since your salary never really peaked much due to the insignificant (NOT dazzling) work of reviving the sizzlers, your pension won't be much either. Buh Bye!!!

As a child, I was the only girl. One would think that alone would have brought praise and red carpet stuff. Well, the only girl was not the charmer, not the dazzler, she was somewhat plump and awkward and shy. The boys however, they were, well, boys. Their mother was Irish and we know how that story goes. I think I've told this one before. The birthday cards with the slots for change were filled for the oldest, half filled for the next and the youngest, the girl? Well a couple of slots were ok. Girls are happy with whatever they get. Girls don't need things like boys do. Younger people have fewer needs....don't worry when you're older you'll catch up.

Life is not fair and it wears me out. My life saver however is this line from a radio ministry. Most drownings occur very close to shore. People give up. If they had just toughed it out a little longer they would have been able to touch ground and walk ashore. I'm tired but not worn out. I will tough it out and who knows what is in store down the road. Dealing with the unfair aspect of life has been going on for as long as man has walked this earth. God's ways are not ours and all is as it should be. Knock off the depression and deal with what is. Do it as best you can and be proud of what you have done. You do it for the glory of God.

Amen