Tough it out

I have come to realize that I have been, if not deeply then, skimmingly depressed for quite some time. I live in my car commuting from home to home. I hang on to the house of my childhood saying that I have no time or energy to clean it out and ready it for sale. I am doomed to being the last (wo)man standing in my immediate family and dealing with the company my father loved so much.

I have the dubious honor of being the family member who must clean up. I have emptied closets and my parents homes and thrown out clothes my mother saved from my high school days. I have had friends and family take bags and boxes of trinkets mother and dad collected over their many years on earth. I have swept and hauled off to the dump or salvation army any number of things so that those houses could be renovated and lived in. The one down south? Sprung a leak, mold and mildew, fights with insurance and condo managers and neighbors, all from a distance and finally selling as is for a loss. The other which was left to me is where my husband has moved thinking we would be there way sooner than this.

The business is now in process of being moved into the world of business. Accounts kept on matchbook covers and slips of paper somewhere are being gathered and updated and computerized. Records are in process of being created and people are being charged with behaving like employees and managers rather than fraternity brothers and club members. None of these things are easy or fun. All take time time and more time. People have to buy in to change and what person in their right mind would want to go from easy and relaxed to accountable and often grinding.

I'm no spring chicken. In most of my previous life with a very large corporation I was on the sweep up end of some high flier's mess. The project would be dazzling and sparkling. It would, in reality, be a non-starter. It merely fizzled out and lay there in a lump of wet ashes. Since the project managers had made a huge splash and been promoted and praised and received HUGE bonuses, upper management felt that at the very least the project should function somewhat. Call in the work horses (me included) who could put the parts in some semblance of order, get the codes needed to build it, bill it and make it sell. Since all the kudos had already been given out, this crowd couldn't be recognized for their efforts which about 99% of the time worked. Not to worry, some day, ya da ya da retire now please....you're old. Oh, and by the way, since your salary never really peaked much due to the insignificant (NOT dazzling) work of reviving the sizzlers, your pension won't be much either. Buh Bye!!!

As a child, I was the only girl. One would think that alone would have brought praise and red carpet stuff. Well, the only girl was not the charmer, not the dazzler, she was somewhat plump and awkward and shy. The boys however, they were, well, boys. Their mother was Irish and we know how that story goes. I think I've told this one before. The birthday cards with the slots for change were filled for the oldest, half filled for the next and the youngest, the girl? Well a couple of slots were ok. Girls are happy with whatever they get. Girls don't need things like boys do. Younger people have fewer needs....don't worry when you're older you'll catch up.

Life is not fair and it wears me out. My life saver however is this line from a radio ministry. Most drownings occur very close to shore. People give up. If they had just toughed it out a little longer they would have been able to touch ground and walk ashore. I'm tired but not worn out. I will tough it out and who knows what is in store down the road. Dealing with the unfair aspect of life has been going on for as long as man has walked this earth. God's ways are not ours and all is as it should be. Knock off the depression and deal with what is. Do it as best you can and be proud of what you have done. You do it for the glory of God.

Amen

Truth Is

Well years ago when I first started this thing...my first real post was on my birthday. Here we are again. Happy Birthday to me. The day after Pearl Harbor. My mother told me that dad may have been drafted except that I was born. Of course he also had two other very young children and I came along after the attack...no, not just one day after .. but before the end of that pesky adventure called WWII. Never mind, I still saved the day and the family.

The family, if you have read any of the previous postings, have all passed on, mother, father, two brothers and then there's me, the last one standing. Of course there are nieces and nephews and they are certainly family but my immediate grouping is gone. My memory banks are not here. Of course the only memory bank that worked was mother's and I have learned that hers were sometimes very pepped up to suit her particular needs. I guess we all do that to a certain extent. An event from the past changes as we do. It is never related in the cold black and white tones of documentary but in the more colorful palette of story telling. It's like the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy first enters Oz.....we go from black and white to bursting color.

My life needs more color....black and white can be troubling. The truth is gritty and hard to deal with. It certainly works best for everyone but it is unsettling.

Truth is..today, I'm 63 years old. Yikes and away. Thirty more years are a possibility and each and every one should be a marvelous adventure. Off I go. Wish me luck. Bless everyone.

Bribes

Just read that Muslim women in some countries have been paid to wear the veil and it is all in the interest of Islam and the intimidation of everyone else. I think that most major news sources are being paid to slant the news in favor of Islamic causes and to bash Christians. Just sayin'

Just some Thoughts

Still cold. My niece is with me for a while and I have forgotten how nice it is to have someone else in the house. Weekends of course I have my husband but during the week when I have to work I am at our second house, the one I want to sell but have to empty first. This second house is really a huge part of our budgetary concern. The utilities and taxes are, to use a horrible phrasing, taxing. My niece, well, our niece, is going to school nearby. She is studying to be a nurse and is just a great girl. She is very conscientious about everything. Her family life (excluding us or course) has been tumultuous and yet, she has moved through with grace and has goals and targets and yow. If only I had been so directed at her age. I'm not sure how prepared she is for life getting in her way but, honestly, if she has moved through the rubble of her early years and come out as I see her, she should have developed remarkable resilience. I hope so.

I am surrounded by nieces and only two nephews. The girls, they are so special. I see in them possibilities for whatever they choose. Of course, a couple have chosen the hard road. I guess we all do from the viewpoint of other people. Everyone knows the better way you should go. It is apparent to the onlooker and the way they think you should take is their way of course. The Lord left us in a tough place. Thankfully he left us with the life preserver of Jesus and the instruction booklet called the Bible. Now if only we grab for them.

God bless us everyone.

Belt Tightening and Stream of Consciousness

Well. Here we are at 27 degrees (Farenheit) and winter, it seems is creeping up on us. It snowed yesterday, not a lot, big wet flakes that stuck for a while and then melted away except in those nooks and crannies where the sun doesn't warm. The leaves have been gone from the trees forever so the cold and the snow? It's due. Christmas however can wait in the wings for quite some time. The decorations and the singing and the shopping and the wrapping, that's not so much of a good time. The shopping and the wrapping this Christmas I have been told will not be a part of our lives for budgetary reasons. We go through this from time to time in our lives. This is one of those times. I hate it. I whine and moan through this time.

At least this time around the heat is on. I hate it when we are broke due to budgeting and we are cold too. Last winter (or the winter before - I forget) we lost power for more than 4 days and it was during a super cold awful time. The house was sooooo cold that you could see your breath in the living room. We went to the Community center to get warm...not all of the town was without power so there were restaurants open etc. Problem was we weren't able to shower so felt ghastly -- cold water splashing on your face and where ever doesn't make for a great start to the day. At least we could brush our teeth properly. Walking into any place that was open and warm made me feel like a homeless person. Untidy and unwashed . . poor .. cold...

OK enough already... that is not the case now. We are merely pulling in our belts to wipe out some credit card debt and face the new year more responsibly blah blah blah.....The husband, he loves to be austere.

I keep telling myself that this too shall pass and we will be prosperous again.....Help

Make the time go by fast Lord.