Rainy Days

I know we need this rain but, mercy, it's not just rain, it's a downpour and I wonder how long it can do this.  It has been raining for days.  Perhaps I exaggerate a tad but only a tad.  The puddle on our street which is usually quite large is bigger than I've ever seen it.  We have waterfront property.  The plants are certainly happy but how long will it be before even they become alarmed and need to dry their feet off? 

The biggest problem I have with this weather is that I roam the house and stop at the refrigerator with each pass through.  I am not hungry.  I am restless and looking and needing to chew.  "Why not gum?",  you may ask.  "It's not in the fridge.", I answer.  Much more of this and I will need to go shopping for larger and looser clothing.

 One other problem while I'm at it.  This weather gives me too much time to think.  I know.  It should give me time to do those exercises I keep threatening to begin.  It should.  It doesn't.  I think about it but I start a train of thought that moves me along to junior high when I would get out of school, head home for American Bandstand and a box of chips.  You heard that right.  There were potato chips in a box and I loved them.  I can't remember the brand name but they tasted kind of like potato sticks if you remember those.  I would grab the box, park in front of the tv and consume every one.  Then I would wonder why I was such a chubby, no, fat teen.  Why?  Why?  Well here I am again.  Different food groups same question.  Why?

I think that I have to go back in time, recreate the situation and find a new way through the problem. That means I will be fat and fourteen and home alone watching tv and eating chips while being miserable and pretending that I am Arlene dancing with Kenny on Bandstand or Spin really really likes me.  Sigh.  How to correct that one wonders. 

Thankfully the sun is now out and I have to go to the dump.  Whew.  Just when I thought I might have to be working through that adolescent angst which haunts me.  Oh well...there will be time later. 

Kiinda Punny

Stolen from another blog.....grouchyoldcripple.com.  It's a great visit.  I highly recommend it.

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.+
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

RIP Chuck Colson

RIP Chuck Colson.  The lesson Chuck learned from Watergate was that God is able to redeem any sinner.  He claimed Jesus as his saviour and never looked back.  He served his time and served it well.  He left prison much like Joseph and led many to the Lord.  He was humbled and broken and put back together by God.  He served God and, in my opinion, served him well.  I will miss him.

The lesson the press learned from Watergate was that they could take down a Republican if they leaned heavily and ruthlessly and persistently enough and they have been trying to do it again ever since.  They could never (and would never) take down a Democrat since the Democrat would rather tear the country apart than resign.

Tis the Season

It's wonderful around here....step-daughter is in for the week from MS.  We are enjoying her so much.  My nephew is with us for the weekend and my brother-in-law and his family will be here for dinner.  We are surely blessed.  I hope this Easter season brings blessings to all.  I fluctuate between these two moods.  Here's one

And here's the other

He is Risen indeed!  Happy Easter everyone and I mean everyone....believers or not, after all Jesus died for ALL of us.

A Little Laugh

Kinda Funny and From my E-Mails:

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time at that time of night.


The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the

effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late with

bad guys."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies,

"That would be my wife."

Kinda Funny

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

From my emails

Isn't It Ironic?

 

The food stamp program, part of the Department of

Agriculture, is 'pleased' to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

 

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture,

asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow

dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

It does make you stop and think doesn't it?

Another Email

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Possibly Offensive Material to Follow....

From my email today - apologies to all left leaners and Democrats.  As the aplogists have stated, I'm sorry if you are offended.  I was taken out of context or misquoted or .... fill in the blanks with whatever you choose. 

Origin of Left and Right

Have you wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left." By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left." Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV). Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen

Can't get any simpler than that.

Spelling lesson: The last four letters in American; I can. The last four letters in Republican; I can. The last four letters in Democrats; rats. End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012.

Remember, November 2012 is to be set aside as rodent extermination month.

Followers Galore

Before I get started I must comment.  I went to the blogger stuff where it shows comments and page views and I noticed that I have 70 followers.  70?  for real?  Wow....thanks all of you and sorry I am so lame with the postings here.  I will strive to improve and be worthy of 70 followers....I am stunned and staggered. 

I now must post something today since there are 70 possible readers.  The pressure is mounting.  I must find a theme or a joke or a picture.  I know I rely on my emails totally and so to the email I go.

Hope you can read this....it is funny.  Have a good one - all 70 of you and if there are more out there then all you too.  I am speechless.......

Nuthin but a chuckle

I got nuthin'.  And when that happens, I do what I do best.....copy from my email.  This one made me laugh...hope it does the same for you.  I have to burst out of this mood rather than my jeans.  Later...

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.


On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.


The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!


He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.


Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.


"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.


There follows a tense minute of silence.Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:


"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"

2012 Hope List

As I browse through the Internet stopping at various blogs I'm in the habit of reading, I note that most have set a list of their 2012 goals, pay attention here, goals, not resolutions.  Are resolutions so resolute that they strike fear in our hearts and we replace them with goals?  Are goals so much more flexible that we are able to live with the notion that we might not fulfill them?  These are things I ponder upon.  More on that later, on to my 2012 hopes.  Yes.  You heard me.  I have hopes, not goals, not resolutions, HOPES!  And here are some.

I hope to sit at my computer in the morning and not have to clear away the potato chip crumbs from the night before.  Yes, you read that right.  I really hope for that.

I hope to use the Curves membership I recently acquired and I mean go there, get on the circuit and do it physically not just use it as a motivating tool to do other things around the house that I would never do unless I wanted to avoid doing something else.  And yes!  that's how my Curves membership is being used currently.  It's like, well I would call the dentist and make that appointment but I really and truly need to scrub the shower tile with this toothbrush.  When I finish, I will call.  So see?  Instead of call the dentist, insert go to Curves and you've got it.  The house is really really getting clean but - sigh - I hope I will truly walk in the door at Curves and move.

I hope to play golf.  Used to.  Stopped.  Have to do it again because I really love it.  My hesitation is due to not having someone to play with.  That doesn't stop a man.  He will just go and wait to be sent out with anyone and this year, if the hubster is still suffering with aching this or that, I am going.  I hope.

I have more and will detail them from time to time but for now....oh, wait ... there's one more thing.  I hope to lose some weight and feel better.  Please note that this hope ties in very directly with that first hope listed.
I would write more but I have some shower tile to scrub.  Later Gater.

Happy New Year

Just came back from breakfast with friends at a local eatery and then to the beach for the New Year's Day splash.  We watched because as mild as the weather is right now, the water?, she is mighty chilly.  Now to watch the mighty Patriots turn around this mess of a game and win......we hope.  Happy New Year everyone.

Merry Christmas to All

I think I posted this before but it's so beautiful...I must repeat myself.  Merry Christmas everyone.  Happy Birthday Jesus.

A Nativity Scene was erected in a church yard.

During the night the folks came across this scene. An abandoned dog

was looking for a comfortable, protected place to sleep. He chose

baby Jesus as his comfort. No one had the heart to send him away so

he was there all night.

We should all have the good sense of this dog and curl up in Jesus's lap from time to time.

This is too sweet not to share.

Please note that the dog is a "shepherd!"

Update and Hello Winter

Well, the tree is done and candles are in the windows (most of them), a wreath is on the door.  Here's the final version of the tree.  I put it on facebook and got a lot of comments...not all nice.  Those people will get coal in their stockings and I hope they're wearing them when it happens.  Well, not really.  Here it is - TADA the tree

Not too much different than the last version but -- the gold bead garland and the ribbons have been added.  Now if only the presents were under there we'd be cookin'.

Here's our view this morning. 

Winter has finally said hello.  Not a screaming hello thank goodness, just a little wave of "Hi, I'm here and maybe will stop back later with more of these flake things."  Hope he forgets about that and just tosses those flake things around in ski country where they belong.  Well, once I scrape off the windshield, I'll be off and running to finish the presents for the out of state crowd so they can be shipped out tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Out with the Turkey - In with the Tree

Thanksgiving is a thing of the past.  Load up the turkey things, the pilgrim things, the orange and yellow leaves and the harvest cornucopia and put them away.  Re-load the holly things and the wreath things and the red candles and the pointsettias and the Santa things.  Tis the season after all.  Asked the husband where the best spot for the tree would be and his response?  "In the garage", he replied grinchily.

No - not the garage.  The past several years there has been no room around here for a tree.  The house is teensy and the nieces, nephews and offspring of same keep getting bigger and bigger.  Now we all know that means more food but it also means more elbow room at the table and finally I had to move the table from it's normal spot to the living room and added a card table to it so that 16 could be seated.  All that to say, no room for a tree too.

This year we are finished with renovations, we have a bigger area for table and expansions and the living room is free for, well, living and that includes room for a tree.  While we had no tree I placed a large red bow on a floor lamp and put the presents under it.  I christened it the Christmas Lamp.  One of my nieces, the sister of Elf, has stomped her princess foot and declared, "No more Christmas Lamp, this year we want a tree."  So - banished to the garage for all those years, the Tree has returned....here it is halfway done

Happy Thanksgiving

17 Stages To Cooking a Turkey

 1.Go buy a turkey

2.Take a drink of whisky

3.Put turkey in the oven

4.Take another 2 drinks of whisky

5.Set the degree at 375 ovens

6.Take 3 more whiskys of drink

7.Turk the bastey

8.Whisky another bottle of get

9.Ponder the meat thermometer

10.Glass yourself a pour of whisky

11.Bake the whisky for 4 hours

12.Take the oven out of the turkey

13.Floor the turkey up off of the pick

14.Turk the carvey

15.Get yourself another scottle of botch

16.Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

17.Bless the dinner and pass out

The Turkey Hunt

I have been looking and looking for Thanksgiving things.  First we were going out to eat, my nephew, my husband and me.  Then we are staying home and hosting 10 for dinner.  That is not bad since usually the fam is in the almost 20 range.  I love holidays and think the most fun is the stupid stuff that you set the table with, at Christmas you have the chocolate Santas and such so natch, I am looking for the chocolate turkeys we always had in years gone by.   It has been a search and a half people!  There is nothing out there that sings Happy Thanksgiving.  Happy Harvest is the closest I have come.  Are Pilgrims offensive?  Do Turkeys offend as well?  When did this happen?

Any how....I have been on a mission and I must report that today........TA DA  we have met the challenge and surpassed my expectations.  The Turkey hunt has been successful -- extremely expensive but ....when success is the only option... who gives a rat.  I give to you the turkey hunt.  Gobble Gobble!

Quite a flock.  No?  Happy Turkey Day.

Tips for Seniors

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1.  Wear your glasses to be sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2.  Set timer for three minutes in case you doze off in the middle.

3.  Set the mood with lighting (turn them ALL off).

4.  Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5.  Write partners name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6.  Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't wind up under the bed.

7.  Have Tylenol ready in case you complete the act.

8.  Make all the noise you want.  The neighbors are deaf too.

9.  If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10.  Don't even think about doing it twice!!

Fear for the Future

I'm reading a book for a book club I have joined.  I've never been in a book club and my first meeting is on Tuesday morning at the local library.  The book we are reading is The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom with John and Elizabeth Sherrill.  It is Corrie's true story about WWII in Holland and how her family helped numbers of Jewish people escape the Nazi occupation.  It is really a fascinating picture of everyday life in a small part of Holland and how ordinary people are placed in extraordinary circumstances.  Here is a bit I just read and it is haunting me with it's description of then and how closely it resembles today.

"That was another thing it was hard to adjust to---newspapers that no longer carried news.  Long glowing reports of the successes of the German army on its various fronts.  Eulogies of German leaders, denunciations of traitors and saboteurs, appeals for the unity of the "Nordic peoples."  But not news that we could trust."

I know, it's not the same today but close enough.  The papers have an agenda and really no longer carry any news.  They just laud the administration and decry any criticism as outrageous and insane or RACIST!  There are scandals galore circling this current crowd of insiders but we are shuffled along quickly and told there is nothing to see.  I am constantly catastrophizing about this left wing community agitator planning a coup where he appoints himself President for Life and we begin to resemble Venezuela or Zimbabwe.  Our economy is right on target thanks to the efforts of those in charge and there are rumbles of suspending the 2012 election.  The more I read of Corrie Ten Boom's world back in the 30's the more I fear for our future.  I wonder what the other book club members will discuss.

Sorry to be so anxious but I fear, I truly do.  The election in Wisconsin had barely settled in when the unions and Democrats were doing everything in their power to overturn the results.  I think it was just a dry run for what they have planned for the country when the results of the 2012 election come in and those two groups...unions and dems -- have lost even more power.  What they lose in power they make up for in shouting and tantrums and total disruption of everyday life and the main stream media is pounding the drum right along with them.  They think the riots and sit ins of the 60's really worked to get them what they wanted and they haven't moved out of their original playbook.

God help us all - and He will.