Awake and Tired

Up since 5:30AM and getting ready to walk at 8:15. Couldn't sleep earlier, obviously. My head doesn't quit at times. I was in a state for myself over the what if's and yeah but's. That live in the moment thing doesn't work for me at 5AM. I am everywhere but here. Now, it's 7:39 my time and I am so exhausted that I could crawl back into bed and sleep for several hours. The problem with that being, the dog. He is so big and sprawled that I have no place to crawl back to.

The Mexican Left the Building

In which I point out similarities between Mexico and US. Just read about the election in Mexico and the results which were that the conservative won. I also read about what a clean and upright election it was, how the group in charge of such clean elections did a wonderful job and present to the world a model of democracy in action. This followed by the outraged sobbing of the left in that country claiming fraud and boo hooing that the candidate on the left will NEVER concede until he is pronounced the winner at which point the other guy had better clear out. When did I miss the part that AlGore/JohnKerry were campaign managers for the loser. Wait and see how many here in this part of the world are tsk tsking that Mexico would be dealing with the election in this way. I mean. The votes have been counted. The election was clean. One man wins. One man loses. I guess though, those communist wannabees south of the border are going to run the press as they do here and turn the country into turmoil and a quagmire. How can they not since it appears to have worked here to a certain degree.

Later

Sit on My side of the gym

I am so sick of the whole world being run like my family is or did or does. I always called it the bleacher principle. That's where it doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong, what matters is how many people are on your side. In my family we have often had disputes of all sorts. I have a ton of first cousins, aunts, uncles, neices and nephews. Over the years we have all had some words and disagreements and the winner of whatever the dispute was or is was never the one who was right but the one with the most people on his or her side. Now that is just stupid, wrong and ridiculous. There is, whether we want there to be or not, a right and a wrong. Right doesn't become wrong because no one is sitting on that side. But we really prefer for Mandy to be ok because whenever we had a party she always brought the greatest crab dip so whatever the issue is she has to be right because Doreen just can't cook so how can she be the better person....................................fu

Sunshine and clouds

And now for a mid-week crisis.

Fabulously to this point there is none. I am taking an unexpected two days off from work and i am torn between running through the sprinklers screaming, "I'm Free!!!" and curling up in a fetal position to deal with the anxiety and guilt. What if I didn't do something critical that needed to be done by noon on Wednesday and it can only be done from my desk at the office? What if, what if, what if? What in anyone's name is wrong with me?

Enough of that. Cease. Desist. I could create a crisis from that stuff.

I read blogs everyday, I think I told you, and on Monday read that Rob Smith, aka Acidman, aka Gut Rumbles had passed away. I had emailed him a couple of times following his trip to rehab. He reminded me of my late husband and brother. They both had "issues" with alcohol. When Rob wrote about trouble sleeping I sent him some info that I remembered from when my husband had trouble. I got an email back, Rob thanked me. I was so impressed with that. All the mail he got and comments he had to read and he had the time to answer my silly email about how not sleeping was common. Later, he wrote about some other troubles and I commented again. Again he wrote back. I am really going to miss him. I pray for his family to feel the strength of God's hands holding them as they move through their pain.

As the song says, "The sun will come out tomorrow" we just don't know which tomorrow it might be. It will come out though and the world will be different for each one of us walking on it. Bless you all and I hope you are having a sunny day.

Finally the rain passes on

Noah would have felt at home here. Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day. That was the chant of the week end. My cousin and her fam arrived in the middle of the downpours on Saturday. Her daughter is to be married in September 07 and they were researching places for the ceremony and reception. It was pouring, not just raining, when they arrived. My cousin's son had been married just a month ago and on that day it poured too.

It has been raining on weekends for the past two months. Living in a vacation area it really affects everybody's mood. The weekenders for sure are very gloomy. Those who arrive on a Saturday afternoon for the week or two are usually ok because they can wait, for a while, a short while for the sun. The rain doesn't stop anybody or any event since time is short. We went to the annual Chowder Festival Sunday. Other than watering down the samples it really stopped no one. The crowds might have been thinner but you could have fooled me. It was hard to move with the crush of people and no one seemed to want to crowd under the very small pavillions to escape the rain.

The rain remained all day. It let up from time to time but mainly stayed on the plain and rained. We had company for the weekend (what's new?) and rather than eat out on the patio where there's elbow room we crushed into the kitchen and managed. Then as the company departed we changed (again) into dry clothes and watched TV non-stop. We rarely do that but we indulged.....we watched a series on On Demand called Epitafio. English sub-titles. Really captivating. We watched almost the whole first season. It's a good one. Watch if you can.

I of course fell asleep in the middle. Hubby watched on and when he woke me to go to bed told me that he would make the ultimate sacrifice for me and watch again the episodes I missed. I love him.

So we had a swell, if wet, weekend and now, Monday, the sun is out. Of course it is. Have a glorious Monday and I hope your weekend was weekendical. God Bless.

A Wonderful Memorial Mass

One of my late brothers had a live in significant. She adored him and took very good care of him. She really did the in sickness and health thing even though they never did the vows. I'm not sure my brother, vows or no vows would have reciprocated but I never had to find that out so moving right along. His girl invited me to a memorial service that her boss orchestrates every year for employees who have lost a loved one or for employees who have passed away. It was on a college campus in the chapel and it was yesterday. It was so moving and such a wonderful service. There were many many names on the list of those for whom the Mass was said. The priest stood aside and the head of the company, a man of 83, got up and read the names. He had something to say about each and every person and in many cases the departed was a relative of an employee, not an employee yet he had a loving and personal anecdote to relate and to ask for God to look after them in ways each would need. What a confluence of emotion. My brother's memory, his grieved mate, all of the mourning attendees and their memories, the admiration I felt for this man of 83 and his ability to touch each of us. No wonder that man is such a success in the world. He's here and enjoying it but he kept reminding us all that every name he read has gone home and so he knows where home is.

The priest spoke a homily about the college motto, it's Light and Hope, in Latin of course. He was also sincere and drew us all in. He is the youth pastor at the college and if I had met him all those years ago and if I were a lad instead of a lass I would have heard my name called and signed up for the seminary. As it was I mulled over the convent but not being Catholic would be a bit of a hurdle and having a husband could prove cumbersome. Oh well. The lost dream thing.

I thought that I would be a puddle by the end but instead I was lifted up and all that grief and boring and old feeling of before. Why that be gone. . .Hallelujah!


I have been praying and the prayer of Jabez has come to mind. I love the Bless me Lord part and I am fervent when I ask the Lord to hold me in his hands and let no harm come to me...I will ask the same for all in my circle. Bless you all.

Poor Me

I have come to the conclusion that I am old and depressed and bored and yes, I know only boring people get bored so therefore I am boring too. Oh poor pitiful me. I have a close acquaintance who has made a career out of being a victim and it has been working for her. I think it's time to do the same. She always has a sympathetic shoulder somewhere and a come to dinner you poor thing why should you be alone and lonely. Gads....I am so sorry for me. I'm broke too. Everyone I run into has $$$ and stuff and glamor and busy things and they're just coming back from the Keys or they're just going off to Acapulco or blah, blah, blah. Here I am. I think about working a second job but I have no energy so I just don't shop.

Do you think those people I run into are real or just making up fantasy tales of the life they would like to have and they watch my spirits fall with each new glorious adventure they have recently had or are planning to.....................

Later

Put up or Shut up

I just read about Saddam's trial in Iran and it seems the judge has suspended it for a week and has given the defense one last chance to get their act together. My favorite part is where he warns them to STOP making allegations without substantiation. I wish that he would talk to the press and certain politicians in this country.......I am worn out with all the nonsense in the news and those puffed up faces in front of the cameras and microphones and NO I am not talking about GW or any of his administration. I am talking about the Kerry's and the Kennedys and the McKinney's and the etc etc and so forths....oh yeah the Schumers and the Reids and those others of their ilk who --- oh hell, you know the drill. We used to say in the old days, "Put up or shut up." I wish they would.....put up truth.

Main Stream Madness

Just look at how much time has gone by.....the news still blows. Now Al Gore is out to save the planet but there seems to be a bit of dissension over that global warming thing. Hmmm. Some scientists are actually being scientific and using facts and stuff to say that Mr Gore's over the top wild eyed ravings might not be entirely accurate. What happens? Those scientists are accused of "Swift Boating" Mr. Gore. Oh well, that swift boat stuff....what's up with that....catch someone in a fantasy and say so and

Main Stream Madness

Well the news on TV and radio just blows. I don't know what it is, maybe the fact that the people who write that stuff think that we are all so easily manipulated. It's amusing to a certain extent. Once you realize that you are being manipulated to a certain mindset, opinion etc. then all the attempts, "nuanced" as they are, are really clumsy and heavy handed. The more we resist their persuasive techniques, the heavier handed they become. I'm reminded of the elementary school child determine to make you get as wild eyed as he concerning some tale or other. If it's a fender bender at the corner of the street it turns into a multiple wreck with possible fatal injuries, fire trucks and ambulances along with any number of official uniformed personnel. The longer he goes on, the more fantastic the story. Whatever it takes to get the desired response. Be as overwhelmed as he....if not, the story escalates. That child has grown into a headline writer at AP or CBS or the New York Times....whatever... and his methods have remained the same.

Endurance

I have been very lazy lately but that's no excuse. Discipline is the answer. Write and write and write, right? Right! So here I am writing. I have to say that the effort of writing is therapeutic.

Lazy is for sure since I wrote that on the 27th and here it is later and I still have zip zero nada. I am having a little matchgirl kind of day and I believe that I am my mother's daughter after all. I am "blue" I am "out of sorts" I am all those things my mother would say instead of saying the D word. We never get depressed and yet............................

Sighs and moans are helping me and they sure do keep me in isolation. No one would want to push through this wall of blue funk. Well, I must get on with my lackluster life and slog through the muck and mire ahead. I did read Hebrews this morning...only 4 more chapters to go. The Bible is always helpful.....I also heard some conversation, on the radio about 1st Peter....maybe 2nd but Peter anyway and they were talking about enduring. Picture the little burro laden with whatever on both sides> The packs are larger than he but he endures and moves to his goal....good little burro. Sigh. I will endure and

Tomorrow I will read this and feel ashamed of myself for not recognizing all of the blessings the Lord has showered on me and for the fact that, in times of difficulties, He has stood by my side and often carried me through.

I am a blessed and foolishly human child of God. Please Father help me to endure with joy.

Monday

I had a roller coaster weekend as far as emotions were concerned. Everything twanged my heartstrings. I watched Tammy Faye go through chemo yesterday and I sobbed. I watched that depression hurts commercial and when the dog is sitting there with the ball in her mouth, I sobbed. Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt sent me to the Kleenex box as I watched that As Good As It Gets (I think that's the name). Now here I am, Monday morning, wrung out, exhausted and purged of tears. I hope anyway.

We had blue skies and snow. The weather was as whacked as I. I stopped recording all I ate, at least for the past couple of days and what a surprise!!! I gained back the two pounds I lost. If I weren't so predictable I would have to cry some more.

Spring can't come soon enough. I hope it brings that breath of fresh beginnings and hopscotch that it always used to. I am going to plant things. I want tomatoes and clematis and daffodils with tulips and iris and impatiens. Bring. It. On.

Off I go now to laundry and vacuuming. Wish me luck!

OK

Well the two headed cat never reappeared but I spent most of the night deciding whether or not to split the cost of season's tickets to a series of musicals. What the hell? I don't know but all I did all night long as I slept was to go over and over the different musicals involved, the seats in the theater, the cost, whether to charge it or let my friend charge it and pay half. I'm exhausted and never once got to see any of the shows. Oklahoma was one and although I sang along with my friend to the big song we never got to the theater. Hope you have a happy one. I'll be humming Oklahoma O K L A H O M A OklahooooooooooooooooooooooooMA!

Two Heads and all

Now here's a good morning. First of all my husband called and the electric bill at our other house, the one I will move to eventually, has dropped.Yes. Dropped. Nothing in this world ever costs less but our electric bill came in under the bar set by the month before. YAY!!!

Even more good news. As my cardiologist says (I love saying that, my cardiologist. It makes me feel so New York for some reason. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be New York for anything but there is a certain sophistication about it that I feel I lack. Having my own cardiologist makes me more sophisticated albeit a sophisticate in need of a cardiologist might lack some.....but I digress) As my cardiologist says, my weight loss program is moving along at glacial speed. For the past two weeks I have lost a few tenths of a pound. Yes, my scale shows tenths of a pound. I had to have it.....it's the only way I can feel successful as I move towards my goal. My total recorded loss is 1 and 1/10th of a pound. Laugh if you will. I am delirious.

After my rude awakening I never thought I would have two good things in a row before breakfast. I woke up in the middle of a dream.. Let me tell you about it. Blah blah blah followed by a planter with sleeping kittens. The blah part of the dream is not the part to talk about but the kittens. There were two bunches of them and I reached into the planter to pick them up one at a time. The first was clingy with claws digging in everywhere and an odd look that made me think he or she would attempt to climb up my face and hold on. I put that one down. The next was a gray tiger with orange on his or her back..I picked it up and was startled at how heavy it was. You know how you expect kittens to be air balls, well this one was a lead bottom. I put it down and reached for the other. Imagine my surprise to see a tail in the middle of it's back. There it was shaped like a comma, short and curved, right in the middle of its back. As I picked it up higher and put my hand under what I though was its hind end I spotted the other head. Yes. A two headed cat with a tail in the middle of its back. What's that about???? Let me tell you how fast I woke up....very.

If you know what that could mean let me know, unless of course it's not a good thing.


Have a lovely Wednesday.......................

Annoyance

I just thought of something else that annoys me, not as much as it did when it first happened but I'm older now, more mature, growing in wisdom or some such thing. This particular annoyance occurred many years ago. I had graduated from college and had taught sixth grade for one year. I had decided that I would not return to teaching elementary school and would take the summer off. I moved to my parents summer home near a beach and since I had opted to receive my check for the teaching year on a monthly basis, I did not seek employment. I lolled and let the currents take me where they would. They did and by the end of the summer I needed to find a job.

I applied to every single thing I could think of and here comes the annoyance. Every application asked for previous jobs and what you had learned at each. Teaching was not the problem but filling in the jobs prior to that included chambermaid and laundromat attendant. Well what the hell - I was always one to take literally any direction and proceeded to detail the learning experiences each of those employments had provided. Cleaning toilets and polishing the chrome of the bathroom was something I had never done until the chambermaid experience came my way. Separating whites from colors and the proper use of bleach was another. Gads -- the interviews were not forthcoming......and in each case I was told that my attitude needed some work. Learning experiences of the personal development kind were more what they sought in that area of the application. Well hell! Say so! That is annoying.

Just sayin'

Another Reason I Love My Husband

My husband loves that I have this blog. I now run here and blurt out my irritation as opposed to taking him to the mat. I in turn love my husband because, for one thing, as many times as I have taken him to the mat over something as ridiculous as the way people have begun to speak, he still is here and that is not to be sneezed at as they say.

Later ----

Melting Pot

Is there anything more irritating that this new way of speaking which sounds to me like a cross between a Valley girl and Katherine Hepburn? With teeth clenched, in as nasal a tone as you can force, you sing song your way through conversation. Yikes almighty. It's not bad enough that you can travel from coast to coast, northern border to southern border and whatever shopping mall you wander into is exactly like the one you just left. You have no markers, no visual reference to let you know where you are at the moment. You now have no local dialect to reference your location. Everything looks alike and everyone sounds alike. Men and women are the same, we truly have a melting pot here in this decade. We are just a big puddle of people.

HELP!!!

God's Providence

On the radio this morning was the story of Queen Esther. Yes, the Old Testament. The book a friend of mine said was too old to bother with.....OH! MY! More on that later. For the moment let me tell you what is ringing in my ears and will reverberate the rest of the day and perhaps longer. God's Providence.

God's Providence. As the tale unfolded and perhaps you are very familiar with the tale.....Mordecai was loyal to the king but first to God. Haman, a scheming, evil, ambitious man was next to the king at all times and whispered in his ear. One day at the gate Mordecai overheard a plot to harm the king and told Esther, one of the king's wives also Mordecai's niece. Esther told the king in Mordecai's name, the plot was investigated and the men hung. Mordecai remained a loyal servant to the king without recognition. Haman twisted the truth and plotted and became the king's first trusted man. At this point the discussion of how the story applies to our lives occurred. How unjust that the righteous receive no reward and the wicked prosper. As it developed the righteous did prosper but in God's time. Did we think it coincidence that Mordecai heard that conversation at the gate? Was it happenstance that his niece, a Jewess, was married to the king, not a Jew? God sees ahead and things occur that will come in handy later for His plan. He puts us in situations, puts people in our paths. He knows the future because He is the Creator. We are His Creations. He loves us and yet we worry about the future. We don't know the script, God does. It will all unfold as it should in God's time and in God's way.. All things turn to good for those who love the Lord.

I am leaning on the Lord as I walk the path of the future and trust in His plan for me. As we spend each day striving to please Him we are weaving the tapestry of life in the pattern He has chosen for us and it is good. Each day is only a small stitch but they all are necessary. Things we do, people we interact with, thoughts and moods are all in the works. Do everything with hope and faith. Onward Christian soldiers and so forth. I hope that in my dreary times I remember this.

Ay! Caramba!

Just a quick note to let you know how the enchiladas turned out. Ay! Caramba! and that's all I have to say about that. No kidding. They were not bad at all. The green sauce was soooo very good. The enchiladas needed some work in the filling area. The chicken should be shredded better I think and should have been spiced up a bit. I was too timid first time out. I think too the tortillas should have been corn instead of flour -- maybe. I must say though, for someone without a tad of hispanic anything in my background, surroundings or anywhere nearby, I did ok muchachos!

I Just Don't Care

Well, you know what? I don't care if anyone reads this thing or not. I am doing this for my own reasons and none of those include other people reading. There was a time a while back when there were some viewers and way back when I even had a comment or two. Of course the majority of comments were spammers advertising penis enlargements or some such thing. Anyway, under normal conditions I would hate to have a journal viewed but when you think you are anonymous well hell read away.

Today is a perfectly grand winter day. The sky is blue, the temperature will maybe hit 30 if we are lucky and the snow is still white, except for those spots where my pooch relieved himself. I am enjoying my winter moment. I think it's the sun that makes the difference. Your exposed body parts can turn blue and red and white, freeze and fall off but if the sun is out it's a perfect day.

Later today, hubby and I are going to make enchiladas Verde and do Mexican dances. Well maybe not the dances but the Verde we will be making. I have had a craving for those enchiladas for weeks and watched that Food channel show, Semi-homemade. I think her name is Sandra Lee. She has inspired me. She was talking about some restaurant she loved and always ordered something or other. She decided that she could duplicate those flavors at home and have the whatever's whenever she wanted without having to go out. Man, that is the greatest idea. Think of whatever you crave and then, rather than getting on the plane and returning to Paris or Rome or Tokyo, start the process of attempting to replicate the recipes. We begin today with enchiladas Verde which we LOVE and always order when we go to El Sarape in Weymouth Mass. In anticipation, I have printed every recipe I found on the Net and ordered fresh tomatillos from our local produce guy. I'll let you know how we do. This is our first effort and may take quite a few before we perfect the flavors.......................

Happy Weekend